Friday 13 May 2005

Washington Bombshell On U.N. Post
Bush Ready To Pull Bolton; Will Nominate Dave Chappelle

Senate Says They'll Vote "Up, Down and Sideways" For Comedy Central Star; Bolton Goes Ballistic

Before the extremely rare procedure of sending a presidential nominee to the floor for a vote - without a recommendation - had all the heads talking, word came out - unofficially - from the White House that President Bush is ready to pull the plug on John Bolton and will send to the hill Comedy Central's no-show star, Dave Chappelle to be the U.S. Ambassador at the United Nations.

This is a stunning setback and embarrassment - twice in one day - for the career diplomat Bolton.

When the rumor reached Bolton, who was dining at a DC restaurant, witnesses say he went 'ballistic', screaming and shouting, tipping over tables before associates could hustle him from the premises.

"He was boiling mad", offered one diner who witnessed the rampage. "He was stomping around, knocking over tables, swearing … It was pretty shocking … As they were pulling him outside, he kept saying 'that bastard Andy Card', over and over …"

In the Senate, both sides of the aisle were surprised, and skeptical, scurrying staff members to track down White House officials to verify the rumor.

The choice of Dave Chappelle, one of Comedy Central's biggest stars, caught senators off-guard.

"I haven't seen his show", admitted Senate Leader, Bill Frist. "I'll have to have them send me some videotape I can review"

Frist was out on bail, following his arrest on violation of the Patriot Act on Wednesday (See The Garlic, 10 May 2005 - Dems Seek Arrest, Charges of Senate Leader Frist, and Others),

Senator Joe Biden, a member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee who voted against nominating Bolton, thought it was "a great choice".

"I watched the show all the time … Hysterical … Very funny young man … I think he'll do a great job up there".

Sen. Lincoln Chafee (R-RI), another committee member, who said his "children and grandchildren watch it" predicted the full Senate would vote "up, down and sideways" for the talented Chappelle.

What could be a problem for the White House is Chappelle's contract with Comedy Central. It has been reported the network paid as much as $50-Million to secure the 'Chappelle Show' for, at least, two additional seasons.

Comedy Central just announced last week that they are postponing the start of the show's third season, which had a May 31 broadcast date, primarily due to that Chappelle has disappeared and no one from the show knows where he is.

The magazine 'Entertainment Weekly' is reporting that Chappelle has checked himself into a mental health facility in South Africa and that the show has taped a few skits but, with production stopped, they don't have enough for a full show

Sources close to the White House say that, when it appeared that Bolton was going to go down in committee, the Bush team began vetting new candidates and, in selecting Chappelle, have him in a undisclosed DC hotel and will present him to the Senate within the next few days.

Officials at Comedy Central declined comment on losing one of their stars to the United Nations. One anonymous staffer sent an email saying, in part that " … he's now fair game for the 'Daily Show' …"

Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV), who earlier in the day, had a "constitutional headbutt" with Senate Leader Frist, over the prospects of the showdown looming over the Bush Administrations judicial nominations was asked how he would vote on the U.N., Ambassador.

"What's that name again - David Chapel?"

Top Ten Cloves: What The Two Pilots In The Cessna Were Talking About During DC Evacuation

10. Wanna reach back there and grab me another beer …

9. I wish they'd have a television show about 'Desperate Pilots' … That's something I would watch …

8. Wow, that's a pretty big helicopter flying next to us …

7. Do you think, if Osama Bin-Laden was a child molester, he'd call it Allah Juice?

6. Did you know that my name is on the "No-Fly" list?

5. Hey, look down there, all those people running … Wonder what's going on …

4. I know the big airlines just make people take their shoes off - Why did you make me take my pants off too?

3. Now what's the lesson our student pilot learned today? … That you don't buzz the Washington Monument, right?

2. Don't worry, you can write this whole trip off - Tom DeLay does it all the time

1. No, I don't mind retiring early … Put in 32-years with United and I got me a great pension

Thursday 12 May 2005

Mineta Broadcasts Klaatu and Gort Landing For Real
Rumors and Misinformation Add to DC Panic, Hysteria Over Stray Plane

Code Red Highest Since 9/11; President Not Notified for Fear of Another Book Reading

It took well into the late night to calm the nerves and fears of Washington D.C. residents, and politicians, after a mid-day, Code Red, evacuation due to an off-course Cessna airplane straying into restricted flight space near the White House.

As the Capital Police, FBI and FAA investigated the incident, it wasn't the Black Hawk helicopter and two F-16 fighter jets that were
scrambled from Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland, firing warning flares at the pilot and student pilot of the Cessna, that caused the panic, but rather the unbridled hysteria of Department of Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta.

Mineta, who got early notice of an 'unidentified aircraft' inside the restricted D.C. airspace, became panic-stricken and seized control of the Emergency Broadcast System. He was breathing rapidly and heavily, and begin shouting;

"Klaatu and Gort are coming back! … Klaatu and Gort are coming back! … Run for your lives … Klaatu and Gort are coming to destroy Earth! …"

Mineta, of course, was referencing the intergalactic characters from the classic 1951 Sci-Fi film, 'The Day The Earth Stood Still', starring Michael Rennie as 'Klaatu' and Lock Martin as the gigantic, menacing robot, Gort. The film portrays an alien landing in Washington D.C., with Klaatu telling the people of Earth that they must live peacefully or be destroyed as a danger to other planets.

Sources in the Transportation Department, and the Pentagon, tell of Mineta running down corridors, screaming and shouting, even confronting Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, imploring him to "launch the missiles". Other witness say Mineta was wrestling with Rumsfeld, trying to pry away from Rumsfeld, his briefcase.

At the height of the incident, the White House was evacuated, forcing Vice President Cheney to his secret bunker, and First Lady Laura Bush, and Former First Lady Nancy Reagan, in town for a benefit, to a safe location in the White House.

The Capital and the Supreme Court were also emptied, with the judges being led into a nearby underground garage.

President Bush, who was off in Maryland, riding his bicycle, was not notified of the incident until nearly an hour after the 'all-clear, was signaled. No extra security precautions were taken and White House officials defended not notifying Bush

"If we had notified the President", offered White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, "he would have, mostly likely, had the Secret Service rush him to the nearest grade school, so he could do another book reading during a time of crisis …There just wasn't enough time to conduct the logistics and security checks for something like that".

As to Mineta, McClellan indicate that he was taken to the hospital and is resting, comfortably.

Upon arriving back at the White House, and with reporters shouting questions about the days' incidents, including Mineta's apparent meltdown, President Bush waved and shouted back;

"I'm going to watch the movie tonight .. It sounds like a good one …"


Conservatives To Fete DeLay Tonight
Last Chance For Favors In Case House Leader Censured or Expelled

The American Conservative Union will be throwing a bash this evening, honoring the outstanding lack of ethics of House Leader, Representative Tom DeLay (R-TX).

Nearly 1,000 attendees are expected at the $250-per-plate soiree at the Capital Hilton with all proceeds going directly to DeLay.

Though currently under arrest for volition of the Patriot Act (See The Garlic, 10 May 2005 - Dems Seek Arrest, Charges of Senate Leader Frist, and Others), Senate Leader, Bill Frist (R-TN) will deliver a testimonial to DeLay via videotape. Lobbyist Jack Abramoff is expected to give DeLay a gold-plated Cadillac, with diamond bullhorns mounted on the hood.

Numerous House and Senate Republicans are planning to attend, including DeLay's deputy, House Majority Whip Roy Blunt (R-WY), along with the hierarchy of the Republican National Committee.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney were not invited, but will be attending their own, private celebration of their victory in Appeals Court of not having to divulge the names of their Energy Meeting advisors. Reportedly, the energy executive are treating the President and Vice President with a raucous party, under the theme of 'Lighting Up The House'.

Ironically, it is foreign trips arranged and paid for by Abramoff that DeLay took that has lead to a battery of ethics charges against DeLay. Abramoff is facing his own federal grand jury investigation, related to his payoffs and for swindling an Indian tribe seeking to build a casino.

The Senate Indian Affairs Committee is also looking into Abramoff's ethics, and his consulting fees in that matter. Abramoff is accused of defrauding tribal clients of millions of dollars

The American Conservative Union executive director Richard Lessner said the DeLay gala was meant as a "show of support" for the embattled House Leader but later conceded that "it may be on of our last chances to get the bills we need through the door".

"Let's face it", offered Lessner, "once the Ethics Committee meets, who knows what's going to happen … They can slap his wrists or, they can boot him out the door. He [DeLay] ain't getting out of here tonight without some business being done".

Other conservative parties that have business with DeLay who will be attending the dinner include Charlie Black, a Republican consultant with close ties to the White House; former presidential candidate Gary Bauer, head of American Values; Ed Fuelner of the Heritage Foundation; Paul Weyrich of the Free Congress Foundation; Morton Blackwell of the Leadership Institute; and the Rev. Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition.

"It's kind of", Lessner chuckled "a Super Bowl of conservatives …You'll see Family Values pouring through the walls tonight"

Top Ten Cloves: What Vice President Cheney Told Appeals Court About His Energy Meetings To Win Verdict

10. Argued who had more energy - Six-Million-Dollar Man or Six-Million-Dollar Woman

9. Began formulating plan to develop Ann Coulter as useable energy source (see The Garlic, 29 April 2005)

8. That the energy exec's didn't know how to throw a meeting - lousy danish and weak coffee

7. Decided some meetings with Go-Cart races

6. Free, new cars and lifetime gas for all the judges

5. Energy guys wore masks and were so secret, nobody knew their names

4. Not much meeting time; First Lady stopped in and began telling jokes and that was it …

3. Actually, after all this fuss, it was only acouple of conference calls

2. Discussed all the prime fishing spots in Alaska and marked the map so they won't drill there

1. Some meetings held in Secret Bunker - the one, with cable, waterbed and always a fridge full of beer, that VP friends can use

Wednesday 11 May 2005

Garlic Exclusive!
Dems Seek Arrest, Charges of Senate Leader Frist, and Others

Say Nuclear Threat Violates Patriot Act; AG Gonzales Opens Investigation

Washington was rocked yesterday with sirens wailing long into the night in Georgetown, as well as Virginia and Maryland suburbs, as groups of local police, FBI and U.S. Marshalls were seen storming houses, leading men and woman out in handcuffs, while other agents carried document boxes and computers.

At the Capitol, flanked by leading Democrats, including Sen. Edward Kennedy, Sen. Patrick Leahy, and Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid called for the arrest of Senator Bill Frist, charging him with being an "enemy combatant" and violating the Patriot Act for his threats of using a 'nuclear option' in the U.S. Senate.

"The President, himself," stated Reid, "has constantly reminded us - all of us - to remain vigilant against terrorist and potential acts of terrorism …When a person threatens to use a nuclear device inside the walls of the United States Senate, than I stand as one vigilant citizen and I call for the United States Attorney General to take this invidual into custoday and charge him with the appropriate crimes".

"This individual" referred to by Reid happens to be the Majority Leader in the U.S. Senate.

Frist has been the lead pit bull in a fierce Republican pack, vowing the end of using filibusters to opose and defeat President Bush, and Republican-nominated judges for the federal bench. For weeks now, Frist and other Republicans have threated to use the "nuclear option", that being changing Senate rules to eliminate filibusters and have judges voted on by the full Senate.

And Vice-President Dick Cheney has promised to break any deadlocks, with a vote for the nominated judges, some considered extremely conservative or too far to the right by the Democrats.

Reid went on, presenting a long list of others who should be charged along with Frist, including Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), former
Senate GOP leader Trent Lott, and columnist Robert D. Novak.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, in a brief statement released by the Justice Deparment, indicated that he is, indeed, opening an investigation of the charges. This lead to the extensive show of force and manhunt last evening throughout the D.C. area.

Reports and rumors have that President Bush, upon hearing the news while on his European trip, called Gonzales from Air Force One and directed him to "get to the bottom of this". Some have seen signs of the White House distancing itself from Frist, and the others, particularly, when the President reportedly told Gonzales that "no one gets a break here".

Inside sources say the President was livid when he heard the news and that Gonzales called the President, asking for advise on how he should handle the situation. The President, according to White House insiders, was "extremely saddened and disappointed in Frist" and also said he'll "miss Novack's column".

Frist was stunned when he heard about the charges. Frist was in his Senate office, reviewing videotapes of some potential medical patients, when word reach him that he may be facing "terrorist charges".

Frist left the office, side-stepping a group of media and made no comments as questions were shouted to him, asking if he was a terrorist and where did he get his nuclear device.

When reached, in Mississippi, Lott, who is credited with coining the term 'nuclear option' was surprised and asked the reporter; "What is this? Am I on that 'Punk's show or something". Lott declined giving a comment and was said to be seen entering the office of his lawyer late last night

A spokesperson for Novack indicated that "he is out-of-the-country" and it was reported that Santorum flew back to Pennsylvania, to be with his family. Sources say U.S. Marshalls out of Philadelphia were on their way to arrest Santorum.

It would be unprecidented to have a sitting, majority leader in the Senate charged with such high-level crimes. However, in the post 9/11 world, and with the Bush Administrations rock-solid stance against terrorism, even a euphamistic comment about using a nuclear device, and in particular, in a U.S. Government building, gets a spotlighted investigation.

If Frist, and the others, are charged with violating the Patriot Act and deemed enemy combatants, they can be held, without access to lawyers, family or friends, indefinitely and would be brought to trial before a military tribunal and not a jury.

Law enforcement specialist say, at this point in the investigation, Frist and the others could just be charged with conspiracy, since no nuclear device or option has gone off in the Senate.

One Justice Departmet attornery indicated that it it "very likely they'll be charged as enemy combatants"

"We have to be sure", the attorney continued, "that there is no plot, no device here .. Something that is going to blow up Washington".

Asked if Frist, or any of the others, would be put in the 'Special Rendition' program, the Justice Department official offered;

"I'm not at liberty to say … But, then again, I heard that Novak is out-of-the-country"

It is likely that those arrested would be booked and held a Quantico and await the next step from the Attorney General and the Justice Department as to interrogations and the disposition of the charges. Reports say that Frist has made a request to submit his answers to the interrogation via videotape.

Speaking for the White House, Vice President Dick Cheney stated that it "was a sad day for the country" and that "it was likely, those judges won't be confirmed this time around".

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things The Courts Are Letting United Airlines Do To Their Retirees

10. Retirees must stop calling male flight attendants "stewardess"

9. Food service on flights not required to give retirees cans of Ensure with their meals

8. Okay to make retirees ride in baggage hold, but must provide them something other than luggage to sit on

7. United Airlines is entitled to 50% of any supplemental income earned by retirees

6. Retirees must fake heart attack to cover long delay in cases where pilot shows up drunk

5. Retirees have to shell and bag the peanuts for the First Class Section

4. United can use their pension money for anything, even a fling on GoldenPalace.Com

3. If retirees owns home, must bequeath it to United Airlines in their Wills

2. Can continue to make retirees stand in O'Hare lobbies and hum 'Rhapsody In Blue' whenever PA system goes down

1. Retirees must use logo and tag line as-is; Not "Fly The Pension-Stealing Skies of United"

Tuesday 10 May 2005

American Idol Spin's Off New Born-Again Virgin Show

All Christian Music Format; Special Segment For Declaring New, Multi-Born Again Status

Desperate to get past its latest scandal, American Idol announced yesterday a new spin-off program that will begin next fall, called AI: Born-Again Virgin Tour and featuring a multi, all-Christian music format and contest.

The announcement came as the allegations that show judge Paula Abdul had a physical, intimate relationship with Corey Clark, a contestant on the program earlier this year.

While being, primarily, studio-theatre based, AI: Born-Again Virgin Tour will have its' debut at the Highview Baptist Church in Louisville, KY, the site of the recent Justice Sunday event. Along with regular host Ryan Seacrest, and judges, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Williams, and an all-star studded line-up from Gospel and Christian Rock will be on-hand.

There will be a special appearance at the mega-church, with former Attorney General John Ashcroft joined by the three-time Grammy Award-winning gospel group, The Mighty Clouds of Joy, for a rendition of Ashcroft's 'When Eagles Soar'.

The program will open, each week with a special video greeting from Senator Bill Frist and other mega-churches and Christian music sites will be integrated into the program. Along with the competition, there will be a "Witness" segment when one of the evening's contestants declares himself or herself a 'Born-Again Virgin' or, just a plain 'Born-Again Christian'

Tony Perkins, head to the Family Research Council, hailed the news of AI: Born-Again Virgin Tour as "return of good Christian values to mainstream television"

Dr. James Dobson, one of the featured speakers at Justice Sunday declared that "It will be the highest rated program in the history of television because Jesus will be watching it"

Producers for American Idol, Fremantle Media and the Fox Network, said in a statement that they were influenced, recently, by the outpouring of faith displayed during the Terry Schiavo situation, as well as the very recent discovery of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks' fiancé, John Mason, and his declaration of being a 'Born-Again Virgin'.

The statement also indicated that "Christian music is an under-publicized niche of our industry and American Idol is happy to bring it out of the shadows"

Critics of the program, laced with scandals and snafu's in each of its' first three-seasons, believe that American Idol is pandering to the conservative right and exploiting a private, personal family situation. Some are calling for the FCC to take action and revoke Fox's broadcast license.

On the MSNBC news program, 'Countdown', anchor Keith Olberman is still speechless as to the news of someone being a 'Born-Again Virgin' and continues to ask, "when did they change the rules?"

Host Seacrest advises Olberman, and others to 'tune in next Fall to AI: Born-Again Virgin Tour … It will be like nothing you've ever seen …"


Amazon Says "I Do"; Opens Wedding Registry

Offers Free Shipping For Weddings With Over 100 Guests

Amazon.Com, the internet retail giant, is venturing into yet another new market niche - weddings.

Beginning this Friday, couples setting up their nuptials can open a registry with Amazon.Com, giving them a potential gift haul from over 70,000 items - including selling a complete wedding party with church, minister, ushers and bridesmaids.

Amazon, taking on the already staked out cyberspace of WeddingChannel.com and TheKnot.com, believes the wedding registry will fit very well with other Amazon services, including it's new A9 Yellow Pages for wedding-related vendors and it's soon-to-be launched DVD service.

"We see a lot of synergy in this" offered Amazon chief, Jeff Bezos.

Bezos declined to project when www.amazon.com/wedding will turn a profit.

As reported by The Garlic (26 April 2005; Amazon Earnings Due Today; Modest Bump Up). Amazon is targeting 2017 as when the DVD division will come out of the red and kept 2045 for when, overall, Amazon will begin to see profit.

Bezos indicated that many familiar features to Amazon users will be in place with the wedding registry.

Any item, including the complete wedding, can be shipped overnight. Additionally, at the testimonial section will be a place for friends and family to post reviews of the wedding, or, in the case that either the bride or groom was previously married, a section for the former spouses to offer their comments

And, for any wedding member with cold feet, you can also view and review other weddings that you might like to purchase or participate in.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Born-Again Virgins Now That John Mason Is Out

10. Paula Abdul - They told me to say I was one, to help the ratings

9. Mark McGwire - Since this is happening now, and in the future, I can talk about it

8. John Ashcroft - I did cover the statues and, I can redo the song to 'When Born-Again Virgins Soar

7. Paris Hilton - Really, all I have to do is say it and I'm in the clear?

6. Pat O'Brien - Gives me another reason to go on Dr. Phil's

5. Steven Jobs - Hmmm … If this gets hot, do I see a Born-Again iPod coming out of this or what?

4. Jeff Gannon - Nobody believed I was a reporter, so they probably won't believe this

3. Bill Gates - I better do it, before that minister ruins my business completely

2. Martha Stewart - If it gets this damned bloody ankle thing off me, I'll say that I'm anything you want me to be

1. President Bush - Gotta do something to get away from that horse-milking joke

Monday 9 May 2005

Bush In Wrong Countries
White House Blunders On Bush Europe Itinerary

Chirac, EuroDisney Officials Miffed At No-Show

The White Office today has a new entry on its growing list of fences to mend - France and Russia

In a hastily called press conference this morning, White House Press Secretary confirmed rumors that surfaced over the weekend that there was a "human error" in President Bush's travel itinerary.

Instead of attending a long-standing appointment to meet with French President Chirac at EuroDisney, the President was sent to Russia for the 60th Anniversary of the end of World War II events.

Bush's strong criticism of Russian President Vladimir V. Putin caught many off-guard and his visits to the Balkan states was known in advance as something that would chafe the Russians.

Meanwhile, in Paris, the newspaper 'Le Monde' screamed at Parisians this morning; 'Bush se lève Chirac; Envoie Underling' (Bush Stands Up Chirac; Sends Underling). The paper quoted Chirac saying; "Il rencontre chacun d'autre, mais pas nous …" (He's meeting with everyone else, but not us)

Chirac, and EuroDisney President André Lacroix stood, with other foreign dignitaries and U.S. Embassy staff, impatiently waiting for over 35-minutes before Under Secretary-of-State Paula J. Dobriansky showed up. Dobriansky coordinates U.S. foreign relations on a variety of global issues.

Dobriansky, and the State Department, offered no public statements on her appearance to meet with Chirac and the U.S. Embassy in France refused comment.

The meeting between Chirac and Bush at EuroDisney had been on the schedule since early January, as an attempt to warm up relations between France and the U.S.

EuroDisney was chosen as the meeting site because, according to McClellan, "the President has been to the Disney parks in Anaheim and Orlando and wanted to see EuroDisney to add to his collection of memorabilia from theme parks".

Putin displayed, visibly and vocally, his unhappiness about Mr. Bush's five-day itinerary in Europe, which includes visits to Latvia and Georgia. The Russians planned for months, with huge billboards all over Moscow, to focus on the 60th anniversary of the defeat of Nazi Germany with a massive celebration in Red Square.

With already contentious relationships with its Baltic states, all former republics and now independent nations, the Russians were virtually distraught that Bush, in a speech in Latvia, repeatedly used the word "occupation" in his remarks to describe Russia's actions in Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia after World War II.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, as well as other White House officials, spent the weekend making secondary visits with Russian officials and press, in an attempt to soften the President's comments.

McClellan, at today's press conference, referred to the mix-up in travel as "human error".

"Some folders got mistakenly picked up ahead of schedule and the itinerary plans were sent to the wrong offices"

Asked about the President's strong remarks to the Russians, as well as his criticism in his speeches in the Baltics, McClellan indicated that much of the President's speech was "written on the fly". The mistake was not noticed until Air Force One landed in Latvia.

At one point, press aboard the flight, just before the landing, heard the President asking various staff why he didn't see the Eiffel Tower as they entered into Paris. It was at that point, with the jet on the ground, rolling to a stop, did the White Office staff realize the mistake.

When apprised of Bush's comments about not seeing the Eiffel Tower, Chirac responded briskly, and in English;

"Perhaps President Bush was too busy eating some Freedom Fries to notice he was in the wrong country".


Merck Defends Vioxx Tactics

Says "haven't done anything different that what baseball did"

Merck & Co, stung last week with allegations, some released from congressional hearings, that they trained employees to avoid discussing negative studies about Vioxx, shot back at its critics, defending its practices, saying that "… we haven't done anything different that what baseball did …"

'The information on the card was accurate and that detailers were not obligated to discuss details not listed on the drug's label", offered a testy Dennis Erb, Merck vice president of global strategic regulatory development.

Since Sept. 30, the Senate has held numerous hearings on Vioxx and drug safety. Studies have come out with negative information about Vioxx and links to the arthritis painkiller causing heart attacks and strokes.

Reportedly, Merck representatives known as ''detailers" were trained by superiors to "sidestep questions about heart risks" in their interactions with doctors. Merck's Marketing Department prepared a special booklet that stated "Vioxx was eight times safer for hearts than similar painkillers".

The goal of Merck, and their representatives, was to increase the amount of prescriptions for Vioxx

Erb, in defending Merck at a recent press conference, brought up Major League Baseball's recent congressional testimony before Congress.

"Baseball has had a blind eye to steroids, despite known health risks", according to Erb. "He (Commissioner Bud Selig) wasn't handing out pamphlets with that information …"

The booklet that Merck's representatives were instructed to use did not include details from the Merck study, showing a fivefold increase in heart attack and stroke risk with the use of Vioxx, compared with naproxen or another painkillers.

When asked if Merck representatives specifically used baseball tickets as an incentive for doctors, Erb stated that Merck does have a number of 'corporate suites' at various baseball stadiums, as well as season tickets and does "entertain clients" from time-to-time, with these tickets.

One unconfirmed charge the Senate is investigating is the Merck representatives offered doctors prime baseball tickets, in exchange for the doctors writing more Vioxx orders. Adding to that, one doctor reportedly gave testimony that the doctor could "bring to the game, any heart attack patients as a result of using Vioxx" and that they would get "choice seating".

Another baseball-related charge came from doctor, at an earlier Senate hearing, that Merck offered to "send the doctor to Fantasy Baseball Camp".

The Senate is already investigating reports that Merck focused on details of its representatives and their meetings with doctors, such as how long they shook hands, if they maintained eye contact and, based on the age and physical fitness of the doctors, asking if they played baseball.

"They avoid talking about the risk and steered the conversation and meetings to baseball" offered one Senate insider.

Reportedly, Merck tracked the prescription orders much like a baseball box score, listing its' "heavy hitters", keeping averages and attaching bonuses for the best average and "homeruns". The representatives were heavily pressured and very competitive.

"It was kind of a Glengarry, Glenross thing" said another Senate staffer close to the investigation, referring to the David Mamet play on real estate salesman. "First prize was the baseball tickets, second prize was that they were fired"

With the results of the negative Merck study on Vioxx published in the New England Journal of Medicine, Rep. Thomas Davis (R-VA), said that a "''wide-awake physician" would have known about Vioxx's heart risks".

Erb responded to the Davis comment by saying;

"If doctors are having a hard time staying awake, we have a drug for that too".

Top Ten Cloves: Things Karl Rove Did To Help Get Tony Blair Elected Again

10. Got the Swift Boat Veterans to smear Blair's Liberal Democratic opposition

9. Had American Idol Corey Clark record some really bad reggae tunes and distribute in Jamaican districts

8. Placed Ralph Nadar on the ballot to drain votes

7. Circulated Press Releases giving Blair credit for finding Saddam Hussein, with picture of Blair in a flight suit

6. Used same tactic as in Cleveland to create long lines to suppress voting

5. Had the Wendy's woman claim to find finger in fish-and-chips to divert media away from campaign

4. Got Jeff Gannon a job with the BBC so he can ask Blair softball questions

3. Spread the rumor that if Blair not elected, Charles and Camilla would take over the government

2. To promote Family Values of Blair, got Margaret Thatcher to endorse him by announcing she's a Born-Again Virgin

1. Secretly took Laura Bush to London pubs to tell dirty jokes

Friday 6 May 2005

Congress Acts On New National Driver's License

3-Point Turn Kept In 'Patriots with Wheels' Bill; Homeland Security To Issue Daily Hand Signals

Congress, yesterday, took sweeping, Orwellian steps towards creating a National Driver's License, that will, in effect, act as state identification cards. The bill will require states to verify and authenticate documents that applicants use to prove their identify and legal residency.

Known as the 'Patriots with Wheels Act', if passed by the Senate, as it is expected to, and signed by President Bush, May 2008 will be the date the states will be required to verify with issuers of birth certificates, mortgage statements, utility bills, Social Security cards, and immigration papers, the information provided by the applicants and keep the information for, at least, seven-years.

Existing licenses would remain valid until they expire, and drivers who want to renew would then have to undergo the new identity verification process.

The bills author, Rep. James Sensenbrenner (R-WI), said that "the 'Patriots with Wheels Act will prevent another 9/11-type attack by disrupting the terrorists" He also cited that it contains vital border security provisions.

Contentious debate broke out as Sensenbrenner and other House Republicans attached the 'Patriots with Wheels Act' to a supplemental appropriations bill funding US troops in Iraq. Senators from both parties, concerned that the bill did not receive a proper hearing, signed at letter of protest to Senate majority leader Bill Frist (R-TN).

State governments are concerned, and have voiced to Congress that it will cost hundreds-of-millions more that Congress is estimating and, with the cumbersome documentation, create longer lines at motor vehicle bureaus.

The most heated arguments came when Republicans voted to keep the three-point turn in the requirements to obtain a driver's license. Sensenbrenner defended the move as vital to security.

"I know that our intelligence people have heard a great deal of chatter about this. Those terrorist, particularly the Muslim one's just can't get the hang of it … They're petrified of having to make a three-point turn move … It will be a dead give-away".

Another aspect that created controversy is that Homeland Security will issue, based on the level of threats, new hand signals that will be required of all drivers to know and be able to execute. The new hand signals will be issued, along the color code of the threat.

"It's going to be awful hard for them", stated Sensenbrenner "for these extremists to, first know what the hand signal of the day is, and then, execute it while holding on to their bombs".



Sears, Nike Split Up

Retailer Tells Sneaker Company To Go USA

Sears, in very loud and clear terms, told Nike that "this is where America shops" and booted the Beaverton, Oregon sneaker maker off its shelves.

Lee Antonio, a spokeswoman at Sears Holdings in Hoffman Estates, Ill., confirmed reports that Sears will no longer stock, carry or sell any Nike products, as Sears, in part related to it being acquired by Kmart earlier this year, will focus on American-made products.

"We've listened to our customers" cited Antonio. "This is where America shops and we want to give them quality American products".

Nike has been dogged, despite its success, for running sweatshops in Asia and Mexico, often with poor working conditions and charges of exploiting overseas labor. Paying its works mere pennies, Nike products, like its popular Air Jordan sneaker, named for former NBA superstar, Michael Jordan, cost hundreds-of-dollars.

Phil Knight, the charismatic, and often brash, CEO of Nike said that "Sears was pandering to the Patriot Act … We'll do just fine without them … Jethro will now have to buy some cheap brand of shoe to go with his overalls"

Knight continued in his comments about Sears

"I hear their going to introduce a Kenmore Freedom Fries Fryer … And they're with Kmart now … Maybe, if Martha goes back to prison, someone can bake her cake with some Craftsman tools in it … I always hated doing our creative shots with them … I've seen mannequins that are better looking then the models they use …"

Ms. Antonio advised that Sears will continue to carry top brand shows, for companies like Reebok, New Balance, Adidas and Skechers. She also refused to confirm, or deny, reports that the Sears/Kmart venture are planning to open retail stores in Asia and Mexico.

"If that does occur", offered Antonio, "at least the Nike workers in those areas would be able to shop and purchase a quality shoe at a reasonable price".

Top Ten Cloves: Things Ann Coulter Would Be Saying If She Were An Over-The-Top Liberal Democrat

10. Poor Princess Diana … It wouldn't surprise me at all for it to come out that the CIA and MI5 killed her

9. I think anorexia should be classified as a disease and treatment should be covered by medical plans and HMO's

8. Let Bush have his daughters serve on the front lines and let's see if he keeps lying about the need for this war

7. "Woman like Kay Bailey Hutchison and Bay Buchanan are basically Anna Nicole Smith from the waist down - They're whores."

6. If we put one more innocent person to death, because of the archaic death penalty, we should execute the judge and jury too

5. I know what we can do with Tom DeLay - A public flogging … That'll get his ethics straight

4. We have to stop - at all cost, by any measure - the Republicans from dismantling the New Deal

3. You could say that George Bush is a dick with ears, but that may be an insult to penises

2. I don't blame that young bride-to-be from running away; Her husband-to-be looks like a bible-thumping Republican

1. Can't wait to start my new show on Air America Radio, with my co-host, Bill Clinton

Thursday 5 May 2005

Texas Bill Banning Cheerleading Causes Panic, Confusion and Exodus

Teens Flee State By Thousands, Causing Gridlock; See Bill As Ban On Being Teen

The Texas House of Representatives approved a bill on Monday, by a vote of 65 to 56, that would allow state education officials to prohibit "overtly sexually suggestive" cheering and drill team routines.

And, as news of the bill reached schools, teenagers began fleeing the state by the scores-of-thousands, causing virtually total gridlock on the Texas Highway System.

Roads leading out of Texas into New Mexico, Oklahoma, Arkansas and Louisiana were jammed with automobiles packed with young teenagers. Texas Governor Rick Perry activated the National Guard and officials in the surrounding states were mobilizing resources to handle the immense influx of teenagers.

Many of the teens were loud and boisterous, some openly drinking beer and smoking marijuana.

"They're trying to kill our teen years", shouted one young girl.

"Sexy cheerleaders is what high school is all about", shouted a teen boy, wearing his football jacket.

The legislation was sponsored by Representative Al Edwards, a Houston Democrat and ordained minister, who attempted to add a rider that schools would lose state funding for permitting "racy" routines. Edwards once offered a bill that would allow the state to amputate the fingers of convicted drug dealers.

The bill followed heated debate about cheerleading, and the alleged influence of popular culture on young cheerleaders, notably, the legendary and often scantily-clad Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Supporters of the bill cited provocative dances seen on television shows, like MTV, as well as movies, such as "Bring It On" and it's sequel, "Bring It On Again." Those against the bill argued it wasn't up to the state to decide what was "lewd" or "overtly sexual", pointing to the hard work, talent needed and skill involved in cheerleading.

Ironically, Dallas, Texas is the home of the National Cheerleaders Association, founded in 1948, which conducts cheerleading camps and competitions around the country.

"We believe it's a very small minority of cheerleaders, not the 98 percent who do things right, that are being noticed at the suggestive level," said Karen Halterman, vice president for marketing at the association. "We've already been looking into this thing, since our focus has been not just on technical skills but on grooming tomorrow's leaders."

Though the bill does not yet have a sponsor or support in the Texas Senate, the teenagers, en masse, decided that they didn't want to wait around.

"First cheerleading, then they'll probably make us wear uniforms to school", offered one teen, fleeing to New Orleans.

The Governor's office had no official statement as of Wednesday and has given no indication if he would veto the bill if it does pass in the Senate.

One staff member, speaking unofficially and anonymously, indicated it wasn't just the jammed highways that was the focus of the Governor but the state's economy as well.

"Who's going to be serving the hamburgers and shakes? … We have some many sectors effected by this … Caddies at the golf courses … Movie theatre ushers…"

"Heck, if they stay away, and we loose the Fall football season, that's millions down-the-drain".

One teen, shouting as his auto was crossing over the border into Oklahoma;

"They want to stop us from being teenagers …"


DIY Network Has An Ad Campaign - Finally

Three-Years-Plus in-the-making; All Hand-Made Print Run

When you call yourself the DIY Network, and you want to run an advertising campaign, you can't pick up the telephone and call and agency. You have to roll-up your sleeves and get the job done yourself.

It took over three-years, but the DIY Network, the Scripps Network-owned cable program, has finally finished their first advertising creative, a print campaign that will begin running in the network's major areas of programming concentration (Home Improvement, Gardening, Woodworking, Auto, and Crafts).

To promote one of DIY's five annual sweepstakes, a full-page ad will capture a do-it-yourselfer engrossed in a project and a one-third page strip that appears opposite the full-page ad advertising the sweepstakes.

The DIY Network, along with the cable program, has a website with over 15,000 DIY projects and advice from DIY experts, and offers a newsletter with DIY projects, program and sweepstakes information.

DIY executive officers, as well as the television staff and crew all worked on creating the ad, according to a source close to the show.

"There were a lot of false starts, ups-and-downs … I mean, they didn't know B-Roll from a coffee roll … The first few cuts at it, it looked like stick people drawn by a preschooler".

Reportedly, the DIY staff, living up to it's name, created everything to do with the ad, by themselves.

One group was sent out to the Pacific Northwest to cut down a tree and process it for the paper they would need. Another group worked in a lab to create barrels of ink. Others took night courses, to learn copy and creative writing.

This took tedious amounts of time and the executives at Scripps, who ordered the ad campaign, were growing impatient. Tension between DIY and Scripps grew, as one-year rolled into another, with no ad copy or creative to show.

Still more staffers spent massive amounts of time in libraries and on the internet, to research ad rates and submission policies.

Once the materials were ready, the DIY crew built a replica ad agency office, to help get them in the spirit. This included a lounge, with a hand-made pool table, fully-tiled sauna room and a small kitchen.

Other material needed were provided by sponsors, in exchange for on-air credit and advertising, once a staffer read in a marketing newsletter that such transactions were commonplace.

About three-months into their fourth-year, they produced what will be used for the campaign run.

With the tagline, "This is my masterpiece. This is my network", the ad will run in Better Homes and Gardens, Cottage Living, Family Handyman, Handy, Midwest Living, Southern Living and This Old House.

Top Ten Cloves: What The Coma Fireman, Who Hasn't Spoken in 10-Years, Talked About When He Woke Up

10. Something going on in France - I see all these stories about the 'Paris Hilton'?

9. Maybe, we can stop by Woolworth's on the way home from the hospital

8. Doesn't surprise me … I always thought that Katie Couric was alittle bossy and to big for her britches

7. Start chilling the beers and buying the pretzels … I woke up in time for some Stanley Cup action!

6. That has to be wrong …You must be talking about the plane that flew into the Empire State Building and that was years ago

5. Now, you're pulling my leg … You want me to believe the Boston Red Sox won the World Series?

4. How about, when I get out of here, we take a nice, exotic vacation … Maybe some island like Sumatra … Indonesia ...

3. You gotta be kidding me - O.J was innocent!?

2. How many home runs is the record now? … They gotta be juiced to hit that many!

1. You mean Bush's son is President!

Wednesday 4 May 2005

Reality Show In The Wings
Vegas, Circuit Clamors For Laura Bush
Press Laments Daily Briefings Now With Headlining First Lady

Since her stunning, and controversial, performance Saturday night, at the White House Press Correspondents Dinner, First Lady Laura Bush has been barraged with offers from Las Vegas promoters, to comedy club owners and television producers.

Inside sources have told The Garlic that since Monday, the First Lady has appeared at the daily press briefings, insisting that Press Secretary Scott McClellan introduce her with the call, "Hereeeees, Laura!".

Yesterday, Mrs. Bush had Michael Buffer, the infamous boxing ring announcer, flown into Washington to offer his trademark delivery of "Let's get ready for Laura".

At the press briefings this week, Mrs. Bush has taken the podium and delivered, anywhere between five-to-ten-minutes of stand-up comedy and, as was the case Saturday night, taking aim at her husband, President Bush, other cabinet members and even press correspondents in the briefing room.

One reporter offered that the First Lady picked on ABC's Sam Donaldson yesterday.

"She looked down at Sam and let loose with a string of, what I consider, nasty comments".

Reportedly, Mrs. Bush said of Donaldson;

"…while your questions may better than Jeff Gannon's, let me tell you honey, with your looks, you can forget about the part of being a male escort"

She then added; "Don't lose hope, maybe ABC will do a show "Desperate Old News Reporters".

Numerous press correspondents have complained, privately, to McClellan, on being forced to stay for the First Lady's performance and not being able to write or give on-air comment regarding it. McClellan is enforcing a 'full lid" on the First Lady's comedy.

Las Vegas promoters and comedy club owners from around the country have been calling the White House, and offering the First Lady contracts, some as high as a half-million dollars, to appear and perform.

Reports have Reality Television kingpin, Mark Burnett, already signing a deal with NBC for a new show next fall, Last First Lady Standing. Burnett, allegedly, has agreements with former First Ladies, Roselyn Carter, Barbara Bush and Senator Hillary Clinton for a series in which the ladies will square off in a stand-up comedy battle.

NBC would neither confirm or deny the story.

McClellan offered no critical comment on the First Lady's routine, saying that "it always a good thing when we have the opportunity for the First Lady to speak out to the American people and press on issues that are important".


Clinton Joins Food Pyramid Protest
Says Won't Deter Child Obesity; Poll Shows Public Prefers The Sphinx

Former President Bill Clinton has joined Egypt in protesting the use MyPyramid, the new food guidance system released by Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns last month, and going further by saying it will add to the increasing obesity of children.

Last month, as reported by The Garlic (21 April; Egypt Protests New U.S. Use of Pyramids) Nabil Fahmy, the ambassador of the Arab Republic of Egypt to the United States, lodged a protest the use of pyramids was a cultural insult to Egypt, who has pyramids going back to 4,600-years.

"Egypt is very pleased to see the former President joining us in this fight", declared Fahmy when apprised of Clinton's comments.

Clinton, speaking at a New York City Public School, rallied his William J. Clinton Foundation in speaking out against the use of pyramids to convey diet needs and cited that children would the most impressionable.

"I love pyramids", said Clinton. "The rich history and traditions of the Egyptian people that they represent shouldn't be put in front of young children in that light. For a young child to know what cheese they should eat will only know the pyramids for that, and that's a shame".

Clinton, who struggled with this weight during his presidency, and was overweight in his teen years, said it took his recent medical experiences to have him focus on his diet. Clinton looked fit and trim during his appearance at the school.

"Perhaps the Bush Administration should have used an operating room for the symbols of it's new guidelines".

Clinton's appearance was part of an emerging alliance, between the American Heart Association, the food industry, schools, health care providers and the media, to highlight to young children the important health factors in proper eating and how it effects their lives.

The Agriculture Department declined comment on Clinton's remarks, releasing the statement;

"MyPyramid was developed to carry the messages of the dietary guidelines and to make Americans aware of the vital health benefits of simple and modest improvements in nutrition, physical activity and lifestyle behavior".

In a related topic, a new CNN/Gallup poll released yesterday, over 54% of those polled about MyPyramind indicated they prefer the Sphinx over Pyramids and 17% responded that would rather take a boat ride down the Nile River. The poll also showed 84% indicated they would wait until the Bush Administration installed democracy in Egypt before planning a visit there.

Top Ten Cloves: What Jilted Fiancés Can Do If Your Bride-To-Be Runs Away

10. Good excuse to blow off work and sleep late

9. Time to try on her hot red dress that you've been dying for; If caught, act distraught that she's gone

8. Favorite breakfast you haven't had since you met her - Cheerios and beer

7. Realize you're in the clear - she'll never know now that it was a fake diamond

6. Okay to bring in your favorite old, smelly barker lounger from the garage and back into the house

5. Crack open the beers and click on to the Pay-Per-View Adult Section

4. Now you can hit on that cute little blonde that just joined the Bible Study group

3. Act outraged, just enough, that the police consider you a suspect so you can sell your story to 'Hard Copy'

2. Give the press the absolute worst photos of your bride-to-be to use for publication

1. Put a few calls into Tom DeLay and Bill Frist … Just in case she turns up in a persistent vegetative state

Tuesday 3 May 2005

$5-Billion Sale Goes To Two Finance Groups
Neiman Marcus Sells Self Through Catalog
"Almost Threw Away Book In Recycling", Says Buyer

It sat, on Page 67 of the 2004 Christmas Catalog, a half page offering under the title; "If You Like The Catalog So Much, Why Not Buy The Company!

The listed price in the catalog, like so many other items shown in the legendary Neiman Marcus catalogs - the tanks, the desert islands, the jewels, the miniature sports cars - displayed a steep price tag - "Mid-Billions, Negotiable".

For nearly eight-months, no serious offers. A few loyal customers made cursory inquiries, however, Neiman Marcus Chief Executive Burton M. Tansky, had begun looking at other options.

Then the call came.

David Bonderman, Managing Partner for the Texas Pacific Group, had been cleaning out his home office and, after grabbing the Neiman Christmas catalog, to pitch it in the recycling bin, he thumbed threw it, landing, with surprise, on Page 67.

Texas Pacific Group, owners of J.Crew and other brand name companies, prides itself in rebuilding well-known luxury brands who have fallen on hard times. An active investor, with over $20 billion under management, Bonderman knew he had to make the move.

Bonderman reached out to Warner Pincus, Chairman and CEO of Warburg Pincus, a pioneer in raising investment capital from financial institutions rather than wealthy families, pitched a joint purchase of Neiman Marcus and the deal was set.

Tansky was quite relieved.

"More than any other item we've placed in the catalog, we worked that one over-and-over. I don't know how many rewrites we did …We wanted to get it … just right … Keeping in the tradition of the catalog".

"We looked at thousand of photos to use. We even consider putting out a special catalog, just on the company, lying out our assets, achievements, customer testimonials … much like the merchandise".

Bonderman bristled at the comparison to Victor Kiam, the late owner of Remington, maker of electric razors ("I liked the shaver so much, I bought the company").

"We're purchasing the crown jewel of American retail", he said

Neiman, with 37 stores across the nation, took an opposite approach when many big retailers were scaling back. Neiman abandoned its moderately-priced merchandise and went even higher upscale, to become the gold standard for luxury goods. The move helped Neiman Marcus maintain its most loyal and very affluent customer base.

"I know this", offered Bonderman, "that I'll be looking at everything - very carefully - before I toss anything way".

And Tansky?

"In the end, I wrote the catalog copy myself".

Visa Ends Triple Crown Sponsorship But Keeps Derby
Cites Pending Use of Child Jockeys As Means To Increase Brand

Visa is hoping that "Everywhere You Want To Be" will be at the Kentucky Derby, using your Visa Card.

Credit Card giant Visa announced yesterday that it will end its sponsorship of racing's Triple Crown and move over to an exclusive, five-year sponsorship of the Kentucky Derby.

Visa will be the only credit card accepted at Churchill Downs during this sponsorship period. Holders of Visa Signature cards will have exclusive perks, including access to tickets, the stable area and special events around the hoopla and pageantry of the Kentucky Derby.

Visa has sponsored the Triple Crown since 1996 and, to add to the luster, puts out a tantalizing offer of a $5 million bonus for any horse who wins the Triple Crown (The Kentucky Derby, The Preakness and the Belmont Stakes). Through the sponsorship, Visa has never had to pay the bonus. Six horses have won the first two legs of the Triple Crown, but all lost at Belmont.

No horse has won the Triple Crown since Affirmed in 1978.

Visa will offer, for the last time, the $5 million Triple Crown bonus, beginning this Saturday, with the running of the Kentucky Derby.

Both racing and marketing industry observers say it was the Kentucky Derby's move to using child jockeys that likely tipped the deal (See The Garlic, Friday 15 April 2005'; Derby Considers Child Jockeys From Qatar)

"This opens all kinds of doors for Visa", offered one marketing executive. "Think of all the tie-ins with children - toys, food, candy, clothes … It's gigantic …Once the other tracks start using child jockeys … They'll be bigger then Disney before long"

"I heard", said one official at Churchill Downs who asked to stay anonymous, "that some states, and courses, are seeking special exemptions, that will allow children to wager - not for money, but prizes, merchandise, vacations … All tied in with Visa's network".

Some controversy still surrounds Churchill Downs and their move to use child jockeys.

Jockey clubs and associations, as well as racing purists and child advocates and agencies denounce the move and plan on protesting at the Derby.

Legendary jockey, Lafitt Pincay, was quoted as saying "first lampposts, and booze decanters … Now this - children …"

Both Visa's and Churchill Down's announcement of the new sponsorship did not mention the use of child jockeys or the surrounding controversy.

Top Ten Cloves: Other Than Saying They Were Kidnapped, Stories Runaway Brides Can Use

10. Have new job as Quality Inspector for Greyhound Bus Lines that requires travel

9. Got subpeona to testify before Congress on steroids in baseball

8. You know the saying; When you runaway to Albuquerque … You stay in Albuquerque

7. That Wendy's in San Jose is ripe - Say I found wedding ring in chili; Get enough cash for house downpayment

6. Hey, Tom DeLay can take trips and not have to answer to anyone!

5. Since you wouldn't buy me an iPod, headed to New York City, to ride the subway and steal me one ...

4. Had plans to move to Florida after the wedding, anyway, so I can shoot anyone I want

3. Julia Roberts is busy with her new kid - Thought to get a jumpstart on being cast in the sequel, Runaway Bride II

2. Taking trip to Alaska - before President Bush starts drilling the shit out of it ...

1. Didn't you hear? It's a new Reality TV show - Punk'd Fiances!

Monday 2 May 2005

Runaway Bride Influenced By Ad Campaign
Disappointed it "didn't stay in Vegas"; Vows Never To Return

Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway Georgia bride, was strongly influence, and disappointed, by the advertising campaign, ''What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas', according to sources close to the investigation.

Wilbanks took off last Tuesday, just days before her pending marriage to fiancé, John Mason. She later admitted that she had 'cold feet' and boarded a bus in Georgia and headed to Las Vegas. After spending some time in Las Vegas, she took another bus to Albuquerque, N.M., as she sought to avoided the 600-guest wedding, which included 14 bridesmaids and ushers.

A source close to the investigation in Albuquerque leaked portions of the interrogation to The Garlic. In this passage, Wilbanks indicates she was strongly influenced by the Vegas ad campaign.

Speaking to Albuquerque detectives, Wilbanks said;

"I was scared, confused … I knew if I could get to Las Vegas, I would be safe … Nobody would say anything - just like in the commercial … It wouldn't go anywhere … Nobody would say anything …"

Wilbanks went on to describe that, in a coffee shop, in talking about her plight with the waitress, the server allegedly told her boss, who came over to Wilbanks and advocated she call home. Ms. Wilbanks stated she was devastated that her secret was told and fled the coffee shop.

The ad campaign, created for the Las Vegas Convention and Visitors Authority by of R&R Partners, a local Las Vegas ad house, depicts in it's campaign scenarios of a boxer and his manager and, ironically, another with a bachelorette party. All the spots conclude with the tagline, “What happens in Vegas… Stays in Vegas.”

It's to say that Vegas as a place that is “commitment-free, pressure-free, judgment-free,” according to Billy Vassiliadis, chief executive of R&R Partners.

According to the investigation source, it seems that Wilbanks is more upset about Las Vegas not keeping her secret, than about ruining the wedding plans.

"She told the Albuquerque detectives that she'll never go to Las Vegas again".

There are calls, in both Georgia and Albuquerque, to charge Ms. Wilbanks. Albuquerque Police Chief Ray Schulz said charges are unlikely and that Ms. Wilbanks is 'a person in crisis'

In Gwinnett County, Georgia, District Attorney Danny Porter is looking at possible charges of reporting a crime that didn't exist.

In Washington, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) said in an interview that Congress should look into this ad campaign.

"It's not beneficial to have television and ad agencies influencing people to commit crimes. I have been a strong supporter of protecting families and preserving family values. As the father of six children, I know that raising a family can be a struggle and the undo influence of liberal, sin-spouting television commercials have no place in our homes"

Santorum indicated he will look to form a committee to hold hearing on the 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas' ad campaign to "see if any other crimes have been committed"


First Lady Takes Swipes At Husband, Staff
White House Dinner Audience "uncomfortable' with jibes

First Lady Laura Bush, under cover of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, took hard-hitting swipes at her husband, President Bush, as well as Vice President Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and other cabinet members, staff and those in the audience

The harshness of the jibes took many in the audience by surprise.

Mrs. Bush opened up by greeting the audience with "Looks like Bill Bennett lost another bet - I'm up here at the podium"

She then apologized the absence of the Vice President.

"I'm sorry Dick Cheney isn't here - he's in his secret bunker, working … No rest for the weary - or those planning the invasion of Iran"

Spotting Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld sitting with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Mrs. Bush noted;

"How would you like to be in a room with those two - if they ever went on 'Law and Order', it would be 'bad cop-bad cop' …"

The First Lady dispelled the constant rumors that her husband doesn't read books.

"He's read two or three of the Harry Potter series …And he likes to think of himself as a, sort of, magician … But of course, we all know what he's doing in Iraqi is just smoke and mirrors …"

"He recently told me he wants to read 'The DiVinci Code' but asked if it comes with a decoder ring …"

The First Lady went on to take swipes at NBC newswoman Andrea Mitchell ("only bride she knows who's registry offered senior citizen discounts"), Senator Bill Frist (he couldn't come tonight, his lips are chapped from kissing so many conservative Christian asses last week) to her recent appearance on the 'Tonight Show, with Jay Leno' ("My God, Leno's chin was the size of Mount Rushmore").

Many in the audience, a combination of high powered politicians, media moguls, television and film personalities, became noticeably uncomfortable as the First Lady rolled on. She nearly bumped the featured comedian of the evening, Cedric, The Entertainer, delaying his appearance by more than 17-minutes.

Offered one attendee, a magazine publisher who wished to remain anonymous;

"Either she had alittle too much wine, or we're seeing the debut of a new Laura Bush"

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Your Maypole Celebration Pissed Off Your Neighbors

10. You're wife warned you had to wear clothes when doing the Maypole dance

9. Well it wasn't just the Maypole that bothered them; the pigs roasting over an open pit was what really did it

8. Just moved into town; How were you supposed to know it was the 300-year old historic elm the town's founders planted?

7. You explain you're a Texas A&M graduate and it is customary to have a 30-foot high bonfire with it

6. Instead of ribbons, you have piñatas attached to it; Say you're keeping up for Cinco de Mayo

5. Updating it, as a Def Maypole Jam, using rap music, was a bit overboard …

4. You're ribbon-tying so stimulating, Helmut Newton shows up to photograph it

3. For the dance around the pole, you brought in the June Taylor dancers

2. Way too much fun for one day; You announce that you're going to do it every first-of-the-month

1. Skin Heads and Homeland Security agents show up; You mistakenly put on the flyer it was a 'May Day' celebration

Friday 29 April 2005

Bush May Tap Coulter For Energy Source
Studies Cite Time Cover Girl "Has Enormous Capacity"

Following his Press Conference last evening, President Bush, when pressed by reporters for more details about his proposed Energy Bill, indicated that he is considering asking Congress for appropriations to develop Ann Coulter as an alternative energy source.

"She has enormous capacity" the President said. "Boy, if we could harness just about half of what she puts out, I'll tell you, I wouldn't trade in my SUV"

The right-wing, conservative commentator, recently featured on the cover of Time Magazine, has been a perpetual streak of energy, offering a wide range of criticism, aimed chiefly at Democrats and Liberals, on virtually any topic.

Coulter has attacked, among many, former President Clinton, the late Princess Diana, Ted Kennedy, former Ambassador Pamela Harriman, Vietnam veterans, National Review editor Richard Lowry, Rep. Christopher Shays (D-CT), as well as Hustler publisher Larry Flynt, actress/singer Barbra Streisand and rapper Sister Souljah

She ascribed that Princess Diana and Ambassador Harriman were "whores".

Following the September 11th attacks, Coulter advocated, referring to the terrorists, that we should "invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." Coulter, when criticized for the remarks, defended them, adding further;

"Congress could pass a law tomorrow requiring that all aliens from Arabic countries leave....We should require passports to fly domestically. Passports can be forged, but they can also be checked with the home country in case of any suspicious-looking swarthy males."

President Bush offered that Department of Energy Secretary Samuel W. Bodman had his staff conduct a study of Coulter and, using a complicated formula, the results show that Coulter puts out nearly as much energy as a nuclear reactor.

"I think a lot of neighborhoods wouldn't mind if we built more Ann Coulter's around them", joked the President.

When pressed how he would go about employing Coulter as an energy source, the President stressed that "cloning" would not be involved. He did state that adult stem cells would be involved and the process would be well within Federal guidelines on the use of stem cells.

Bush stated that tapping Coulter as an energy source would be part of the package of the bill he will be sending to Congress. In his Press Conference, Bush challenged Congress to pass the Energy Bill by this summer.

Democrat Leaders were cautious in commenting on the President's proposal. Rep. Nancy Pelosi indicated that "let's wait and see the entire bill … If he's putting something that outrageous in it, there's likely something else that he really wants".

Republicans, upon hearing some of the details hailed the President's choice of Coulter as "bold"

Coulter's commentary and writings are often, over-the-top, cartoonish and very much based in the standard tirades of many other conservative pundits. Coulter often attaches to Democrats and Liberals certain tags and code words, meant to distort the issue and often defends conservatives, citing unending persecution.

Coulter could not be reached, however a representative did confirm the Ms. Coulter has been in talks with President Bush and is thrilled that she could be in position to become an energy source for the nation. The representative offered that Ms. Coulter asked the President if her "energy can only be used in strong, Republican districts"



More Steroid Hearings
The NFL Goes To Congress
McGwire Surprise Witness; Still Not Talking

The National Football League went before Congress on Wednesday, to give testimony as to it's Steroid Policy and the efforts they are employing to keep the illegal drug out.

Commissioner Paul Tagliabue told Congress that since 1989, 111 players have tested positively. Of that group, 54 were suspended and 57 chose to retire. Tagliabue defended the NFL policies, citing that they are effective.

Tagliabue did acknowledge that advances are being made in masking the use of steroids but that is a "overall problem", one not related solely to the NFL.

The Congressional panel complimented NFLPA Director Gene Upshaw, for his involvement and monitoring the league's drug program, highlighting the contrast versus Major League Baseball. In the hearing last month, baseball executives were often confused, or outright wrong, about what their steroid policy was and who was administering it.

In a surprise move yesterday, the panel called back former baseball slugger Mark McGwire. Citing he had the "size of a football player", the panel offered McGwire a second opportunity to offer his testimony as to his steroid use.

McGwire again cited that he doesn't "talk about the past".

McGwire went on to testify that he does watch NFL games, both on television as well as attending in person and is looking forward to the upcoming season this Fall. When pressed by the panel, McGwire did admit that he "occasionally" wagers on football games, both professional and college.

Top Ten Cloves: How President Bush Plans To Get His Energy Bill By This Summer

10. Strong-arm DeLay to get his lobbyists to fork over more money

9. If he gets the Social Security Bill he wants, can throw in a few Private Retirement Accounts

8. To underscore his position, make all congressman and senators ride bicycles to work

7. Conveniently, invite Senate and Congress Leaders to discuss bill over lunch - at Hooter's

6. Start having 'Energy Renditions' - Invite Saudi Prince over again; Hold him hostage until they lower the price for crude

5. Ahhh, the hell with it … We'll just invade and occupy the entire Middle East

4. Forget filibusters; Arizona Minutemen will patrol Capital Hill, not letting anyone leave until the bill is passed

3. If Bolton gets confirmed, we'll have him deal with Annan - We have plenty of food we can trade for oil

2. Presidential Pardon to 'Kenny Boy' and have him get the old Enron gang together to figure it all out

1. Rally the Right and start having Energy Bill Sundays!

Thursday 28 April 2005

Old Ethics Rules Back In Force
DeLay Now Facing Additional Charges
Stowaway On Air Force One Effort To Avoid House Investigation

After President Bush concluded his weekend meeting with Saudi Prince Abdullah at the Western White House, and as Air Force One settled into its flight pattern after take-off from Galveston, Texas, Secret Service agents discovered Rep. Tom DeLay huddled behind a food cart in the service area.

A White House source, who was present on the flight, indicated that there were tense moments, when the Secret Service discovered the uninvited passenger and issued a 'lock-down' on the President, staff and other passengers.

Apparently, a flight attendant tipped the Secret Service by indicating the something was amiss, as there was food missing. Soon after the lock-down, agents emerged from the rear of the airplane, with DeLay in handcuffs, and he was escorted into the President's cabin.

"He was disheveled, sweating and glassy-eyed", said the source. "Clearly, he was in a panic".

The Secret Service, and the White House refused comment on the situation, saying it was an on-going investigation.

Other witnesses, including a cadre of the traveling press described the situation as 'bizarre'. Rumors quickly circulated, some saying that DeLay may have been on the airplane all weekend.

At the time, on the ground at the Capital, House Speaker Dennis Hastert was paving the way to overturning the contentious rule changes made to the House ethics process and reverting to the old rules, likely opening the House investigation into persistent questions as to the ethics of Mr. DeLay

At question is DeLay's overseas travel, and his cozy and beneficial relationships with prominent lobbyists. Some of those lobbyists are under federal investigation on other matters. Delay is already facing a grand jury investigation in Texas as to his fund-raising operations.

The Democratic House leader, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, hailed the move back to the old rules, saying it "avoided a significant political embarrassment for the majority". For the second time this year House Republicans have had to backtrack. In January, a rule was restored that prohibits leaders from staying in the posts if they are indicted, The initial rule changed was widely criticized as directly trying to protect leader DeLay.

Despite the glowing photo op's of a smiling President Bush walking with a smiling DeLay after landing in Washington, DeLay now faces a battery of federal charges for his stowaway attempt.

"Even if he wanted to", the source offered, "Bush can't help him. There's too much light shining on DeLay right now. Even his lobbyist buddies don't have enough money to make this one go away".


Books Pulled From Retailer May Be Related
Police Investigate Arson Incident At Apple
CEO Jobs, Others Questioned Over Small Fire

As the Cupertino Fire Department doused a small blaze on the sprawling campus of Apple Computer, the police department was called in to join the state's Fire Marshall in launching an arson investigation and was seen questioning CEO Steve Jobs, and other Apple executives.

Reportedly, numerous witnesses have given statements indicating that Jobs was standing over a pile of burning books.

This comes on the heels of Apple pulling all titles from the shelves of Apple stores from publisher John Wiley & Sons over a upcoming release of an unauthorized biography of Jobs, ``iCon Steve Jobs: The Greatest Second Act in the History of Business,'' by author Jeffrey S. Young.

Included in the removal of the Macintosh-related titles, was the popular "Macs for Dummies, 8th Edition'' by New York Times columnist David Pogue. Also pulled were a series of books, including the latest, ``The Mac OS X Panther Book", by Andy Ihnatko.

Apple is currently in a legal fight, over the release of company-related news and pending product announcements, with three websites.

The Garlic first reported back on March 6th (Apple Takes Blog Ruling As New Club On Criticism and Dissent) of Apple's efforts to control news and opinion about Apple and its' products. Apple has established a hotline - iSqueal - for people to phone or email in tips as to who may be leaking, or disparaging Apple, or any Apple products. Newer iPods have the capability of detecting criticism, shutting down and giving a signal for Apple to dispatch a lawyer to serve lawsuits.

Numerous marketing executives have cautioned that, should Apple protest to strongly over the Young book, it could backfire and increase sales.

Apple refused comment on the arson incident, beyond stating that a small fire was discovered and the fire department was called. A brisk "no comment, was offered when asked about ``iCon Steve Jobs: The Greatest Second Act in the History of Business" book.

It had been reported that Apple, and Jobs, did secure an advance copy of the book.

Investigators from the Fire Marshall's office could be seen sifting through the still-smoldering pile and collecting evidence. At one point, it did appear that a singed and charred dustcover of a book was placed into a bag.

Top Ten Cloves: Other PBS Reality Shows In The Works

10. Antiques Roadrace - Survivor-style series, pitting teams racing against each other; First Season's Antique - Chariots

9. Tucker Carlson Unwired - Sans the bow tie, Tucker lets his hair down and shares his favorite music each week

8. Suzie Orman's Treasure - Constants search for buried stock certificates worth millions, but must endure Suzie's harping advice on how to spend/invest it

7. Lost! - A priceless artifact of a rich-and-famous celebrity is hidden and we go along for anxious, panicked search

6. Lidia's Dysfunctional Family Table - Lida lets Uncle Tony out of the attic and her kitchen will never be the same

5. This Extreme Old House - Kevin O'Connor and the boys take a completely modern house and turn the clock back to 1789

4. Washington Weak - Guest Journalists and Politicians go through a grueling Obstacle Course

3. Last Charlie Rose Standing - First contestant not to fall asleep at the table is the winner

2. Un-American Experience - Average citizens, plucked at random, accused of being terrorists; Warning - Some graphic scenes from Special Renditions may be shown

1. McLaughlin Groupies - Contestants compete with arcane political trivia for a seat with the raucous group

Wednesday 27 April 2005

Bush Plan For Iraq Statehood In Jeopardy
No New Government Yet; Window of Opportunity Closing

Late Tuesday, Iraqi's political leaders delayed for another day the naming of it's new government, indicating that they may leave some posts vacant for the time being.

This has the Bush Administration worried, as Iraqi is already behind the schedule President Bush has laid out and, at the moment, puts Bush's plans for Iraqi statehood in jeopardy (See The Garlic, Tuesday 10 April; Bush Moves On Making Iraq 51st State)

"Cheney and Rumsfeld are steaming", offered one source close to the administration.

Sources say that Bush is worried that the move to Iraqi statehood could get bogged down by the Iraqi's inability to establish their government, and drafting an Enabling Act.

With the Congress preoccupied by the protracted debate in the Senate over judicial nominee voting, the DeLay Scandal and the stalled hearings on Bush's appointment of John Bolton to the U.N., the window of opportunity is closing to grant Iraqi statehood under-the-radar.

"Andy (Chief-of-Staff Andrew Card) is really juggling a lot of balls. He's got Cheney and Rumsfeld breathing down his neck, the loose cannon that DeLay is, now Frist playing like Elmer Gantry and the Bolton thing sinking faster than his Social Security plans … They'll be lucky if the Iraqi cabinet doesn't start shooting at each other".

Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari is anticipated to submit a cabinet to the National Assembly today but it is expected to be incomplete, putting pressure on President Jalal Talabani, who is already under fire, from both Iraqi's and the Bush Administration, for not having a government formed.

At play is the role of the Sunni Arabs, who boycotted the January elections. Shiite and Kurdish alliances have fear that former Baathists, who were the oppressing force, will be included in the Sunni delegation.

Vice-President Cheney is eager for Iraqi to become the 51st State, believing that the congressmen elected from Iraq to serve will be conservative Republicans, adding to the majority and thereby enabling the President's agenda

A spokesperson for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld indicated that Rumsfeld understands that "the business of government and launching a new state is untidy".

"We shouldn't expect miracles", offered the Secretary in a statement released to reporters. " But, My God, if I had been oppressed … If I was living under a dictator and suddenly breathed the air of democracy … I'd be damned sure to get my house in order as soon as possible …I wouldn't lollygag around"


Syria Leaves Lebanon After 29-Year Stay
Bill Unpaid; Towels and Soap Missing

The United Nation yesterday, verified that Syria has finally left the country of Lebanon after a 29-year stay, leaving in its wake, an unpaid bill and the theft of towels, soaps, bathrobes and mint candies.

"They had the best rooms, and they still trashed us", sighed Gen. Michel Suleiman, commander of Lebanon's army, who watched the last of the Syrians leave.

It was 1976 when Syria first came to Lebanon, as part of a Arab peacekeeping force following a civil war. Others left but Syria stayed. Over the years, various efforts were made to have the Syrians leave, with talks and sanctions from the United States, Israel and the U.N. and, including intervention from the International Hotel & Restaurant Association.

A spokesperson for the IHRA, Guy Franchot, confirmed their participation but admitted that it had little effect.

"Over the years, we had drawn up, from experience with rock bands, boisterous conventions and the like", offered Franchot. "A number of policies in dealing with unwanted guests. The Lebanon situation was quite unique".

As Syria began leaving Lebanon, thousands of Lebanese discovered missing towels, soaps, and bathrobes. Grocery stores and retail shops were stripped of their mint candies.

Gen. Ali Habib, leader of the Syrian Army, denied the claims that Syria left without paying it's bill, or the theft of any items.

Franchot indicated that the policy in such cases was "next time they come in, you can refuse to accommodate them or accept any reservations. Or, you can also require a deposit in-advance"

Top Ten Cloves: Early Signs That Steroids May Be Out of Baseball

10. Bat boys are bigger than Jose Canseco

9. Haven't received a congressional subpoena in weeks

8. Hitting and scoring is down; Pitchers now have lob ball in underhand

7. Barry Bonds is down to just sulking, and hissing at the media

6. No more dirty syringes on the locker room floor

5. It now takes two players to hold the bat

4. Mark McGwire is talking again

3. Fans are doing steroids now; One recently had a fight with Gary Sheffield in Fenway Park

2. Only grandslam sluggers seen recently are at Denny's

1. Any player caught giving another player a shot in the ass, well, that's something entirely different

Tuesday 26 April 2005

NHL Bombshell!
NHL Owners Prepared To Go With Robot Players in 2005
Players Stunned, Outraged; Issued Ultimatum To Take CBA

The NHL owners stunned its Players Association yesterday, abruptly halting the recently restarted talks with an ultimatum - Take the Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) or the league opens with robot players in the Fall of 2005.

Commission Gary Bettman gave the order to NHLPA President Bob Goodnow in a late afternoon session. Goodnow, visibly shaken, sat stunned as Bettman calmly walked out of the room, witnesses say.

The NHL was the first North American sports association to lose an entire season due to a labor dispute.

The Players Association was clearly caught off-guard. Hanging over the negotiations was the prospect that the owners would use replacement players, from their minor league system and open tryouts, to start the 2005-2006 season in the event an agreement wasn't reached. The use of robots was never looked at.

Bettman declined comment last night. A spokesman for the NHL owners stated that the owners began looking at robots, fairly recently, with the news Qatar is switching to robots for their camel races and that this year's Kentucky Derby considered robot jockeys (See The Garlic, Friday 15 April: Derby Considers Child Jockeys From Qatar).

The nation of Qatar recently, and successfully, replaced its child camel jockeys with robots.

Very quietly, a small committee of owners was put in place to study the use of robots for NHL play. They met with the Swiss manufacturer to discuss the needs, which included hard-hitting and rough play, as well as skilled and finessed passing and shooting. The manufacturer indicated that their robots could be adjusted for the physical nature of the NHL play and it was a matter of reprogramming their software to accommodate the skills needed.

Reportedly, an exhibition game was played, in a small town in Northern Italy, pitting a team of robots against a Swiss junior team and the robots competed surprisingly well, losing by a score of 6-5. The owners, noting the crisp, pinpoint passing by the robots, walked away satisfied that they could recommend the move to robots to the other owners.

The owners deferred questions as to how records would be kept, being, would the existing records be broken by robots or if the league would start with a blank slate.

The NHLPA also refused comment last night. Reports indicate that they have hastily called a meeting, bringing in current stars, as well as retired former greats, to strategize a response to the owners and to condemn the use of robots to replace them. It was said, they are targeting August as having a proposal in place to counter the owners offer.

Said one owner, who wished to stay anonymous, on hearing the news on using robots;

"I guess, unless you program them, we won't have any candy-asses or big ego jerks anymore"


Amazon Earnings Due Today; Modest Bump Up
Adjusts DVD Profits To Come Early in 2017; Overall Black Ink in 2045

Amazon.Com, the on-line retailer, will be reporting its quarterly results at the end of today's market session and CEO Jeff Bezos predicts that all will be happy

After the dismal last quarter, in which Amazon missed its estimated earnings by a significant margin, analysts are anticipating a modest bump, perhaps in the 25-cent-a-share range, with revenue growing by roughly 20% to nearly $2-billion.

Last year Amazon was NASDAQ's best performing stock

Bezos gave analyst a bit of surprise when he adjusted the sales projections for Amazon's anticipated entry in the DVD rental market.

Amazon has reached out to its competitors, including Blockbuster Inc and Netflix Inc, seeking a partnership. Amazon has such revenue sharing agreements with other major retailers, like Target, The Gap, Toy's 'R Us and Circuit City (Ed.Note: Amazon recently ended it's partnership with Circuit City and is in litigation with Toys 'R Us to end their agreement)

Amazon originally pegged profit for DVD sales in 2025. However, with a pending partnership, and factors that Amazon cites, such as the continued growth of digital entertainment, Bezos felt that profits will likely come sooner, in 2017.

Bezos kept in place the overall profit for Amazon coming in 2045.

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At Bush-Saudi Prince Meeting In Crawford, Texas

10. Mr. President, could you arrange for me to take a shift with those Minutemen on the Arizona border?

9. Ahhh shit …Look what's sticking out of his briefcase … Invoices for all those Special Renditions we did last month ...

8. Mr. President, my sources tell me that everyone at the U.N. will file for a handgun permit if you push Bolton through

7. He's calling again? … Tell DeLay I'm busy …. Tell'em that me and the Prince are out on the horses - all day long!

6. Don't forget to give the prince that wallet, for the Bin-Laden's … You know, the one they lost on that Sept 12th flight

5. Stick an Exxon decal on my flight suit and get the gas tanker ready! … He's talking about lowering by a nickel, or more!

4. Tell me more of your No Child Left Behind …The Kingdom would be glad to take some - they make excellent camel jockeys

3. Yes, I know their Jewish, but Ari's in a bind … Besides, they're handy .. They can build whole towns in, like, a weekend

2. I don't think I could answer that Mr. President … Everybody, kind of, has a Private Retirement Account in Saudi Arabia

1. I got me a Justice Sunday hangover this morning boys and I'm lovin' it!