DeLay, the Lobbyist?

DeLay Resignation Clears Way For Medal of Freedom Award

To Scold Wayward Republicans, President To Conduct Ceremony In Full Session

Within hours of his resignation announcement last night, the White House said that President Bush will bestow to former House Leader, Representative Tom DeLay, a former pest exterminator, the Congressional Medal of Freedom Award, for “years’ of dedicated service to the country.”

“Tom DeLay is what is good about America,” the President said in a statement released. “His passion and dedication to the Congress has made our country stronger, and safer. He has unselfishly shared his good will and experience to build up the institution of the Congress to be a beacon of democracy.”

There’s A New Hammer In Town

Under DeLay’s leadership, beginning with the Republican Revolution of 1994, when he wrested the leadership post away from Revolution Leader Representative Newt Gingrich choice (Rep. Robert S. Walker (Pa.), DeLay ruled with an iron hand, whipping the House Republicans into blind loyalty, and earning the nickname, “The Hammer”.

DeLay, with his “take no prisoner” style of ruling, is also credited with building up Washington’s K Street Lobbying industry, turning it into a Republican money machine.

DeLay forced lobbying firms to hire former Republican politicians and staffers, often doling out legislative favors. For firms that crossed DeLay, or hired and gave money to Democrats, DeLay punished them, stalling or killing off in committee any of their legislative efforts.

Cloud of Controversy and Indictments Still Hover

DeLay, whose resignation from Congress comes on the heels of his former deputy chief of staff, Tony Rudy, pleading guilty to conspiracy and corruption charges. Rudy told federal prosecutors that criminal activity was run out of House Leader DeLay’s Congressional office, placing the Jack Abramoff scandal directly next to the, now, former Representative.

Another DeLay staffer, Michael Scanlon, his former press secretary, has also pleaded guilty in the Abramoff Scandal. DeLay once said of Scanlon that he is "one of my closest and dearest friends."

DeLay also continues to face indictment in Texas, for money laundering and campaign finance violations, which forced him to relinquish his House Leadership post.

In an interview with Time Magazine, published on their website last evening, DeLay said that he wasn’t doing this for himself, but for his district in Texas.

"This had become a referendum on me," he told Time. "So it's better for me to step aside and let it be a referendum on ideas, Republican values and what's important for this district."

President Still Bristling At Republicans, Will Present DeLay Medal In Full Session

Still bristling from the Congressional rebuke of his Dubai Ports World Deal, sources close to the White House tell The Garlic that President Bush is planning on presenting the Medal of Freedom Award in a full session of the Congress – both the House and Senate – to send a message to the wayward Republicans.

“It obvious the DeLay told the President before the news broke,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?’ the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party. “But it’s hard to say whose idea it was to give “The Hammer” the medal – was it the President? Cheney? Or maybe, this has the fingerprints of the new guy, Joshua Bolton.”

Ann Mitchell, veteran Capital Hill journalist, sees this as an “exit gesture” from Andy Card .

“This has Andy written all over it,” offered Mitchell. “This is big-stage marketing and that was Andy’s department.”

Awarding the Medal of Freedom to a controversial figure is not new for President Bush.

Back in 2004, President Bush awarded the Medal of Freedom to former CIA Director George Tenet, retired Gen. Tommy Franks and former Iraqi administrator L. Paul Bremer, saying "This honor goes to three men who have played pivotal roles in great events, and whose efforts have made our country more secure and advanced the cause of human liberty."

Both, at the time of receiving the medals, and since, all three recipients have been heavily criticized for their errors, misrepresentations and inept handling of situations regarding the War in Iraq.

“Standard operating procedure for the Administration,” said Aaronson. “The more you screw up, the more likely you are to be promoted or commended.”

DeLay, the Lobbyist?

Delay, upon hearing the news last evening, said he was touched by the President’s gesture.

“Boy, this is really something ... I couldn’t buy this with all of Abramoff’s money. I’m going to be able to leverage this big-time.”

DeLay said that he is not sure of what is next move will be, first taking some time off to “reflect on some things” and evaluate opportunities.

Along with spending more time with the new “War on Christianity”, the former House Leader said he expects he will keep his financial interest in the K Street projects.

He said he hasn’t ruled out becoming a lobbyist himself and using his experience, and his strong-arm techniques, to bring religion and government closer together.
“Wouldn’t that kick up some dust,” said DeLay.

President Bush is planning on awarding former House Leader Tom Delay the Congressional Medal of Freedom Award, saying in a statement today that "Tom DeLay is what is good about America"

Top Ten Cloves: Things To Look Forward To When Katie Couric Takes Over As CBS News Anchor

News Item: CBS Prepares to Land a New Anchor

10. New programming – CSI: Katie Couric, Crime Reporter!

9. Lots of George Clooney news features

8. Special “Where In The World Is Katie Couric” for the Sweeps Week

7. With boyfriend being co-owner, exclusive Boston Red Sox highlights

6. The first “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney”, which will start off with “When I started out, only men delivered the news ...”

5. Changing of CBS logo, adding an eyelash to it

4. A juicy age and sex discrimination lawsuit filed by Bob Schieffer

3. On Fridays, In-Studio segment with Mister Gadget

2. New feud with David Letterman, after he runs “Look What Katie Said This Week” segment

1. Moving CBS News to 7AM-9AM timeslot

No Special Precautions For President

White House Chides Media Again; Calls For “Better Daylight Saving Time” Stories

McClellan Urges Press to “venture out of your hotel rooms, get off the balconies”; No Tie To VP Shooting

After admitting that clocks in the Oval Office, and other rooms, were not moved forward one hour, to convert to Daylight Saving Time, the White House lashed out at the media, citing the negative stories over the time change and called for them to “show the positive side.”

“There’s hundreds, more likely, thousands of good, wholesome stories,” said an agitated White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. “I think it would be wise if you ventured out of your hotel rooms, get off the balconies, and sought out some of these positive stories.

McClellan took issue with a number of media reports, detailing a confused White House, with aides showing up an hour early for meetings on Sunday, and, a few cases, clocks being set two-hours ahead due to lack of communication that they had already been adjusted.

‘The President was never in danger,” said McClellan, “He was completely aware of the correct time of day, throughout the day. He was just an Average Joe, who had to adjust his own watch and desk clock”

Sources close to the White House have told The Garlic that special precautions were taken with the President.

Aides were said to be worried, being that President Bush signed a law, that goes into effect in 2007 that changes Daylight Saving Time, he may get confused and think that it was to begin this year.

President Bush has signed a law changing the dates of daylight-saving time. Beginning next year, The Energy Policy Act will extend Daylight Saving Time, beginning the second Sunday of March, and will end on the first Sunday of November.

No Special Precautions For President; No Talks With VP To Change Hunting Trip

McClellan specifically refuted two media stories, which he labeled as “irresponsible” that President Bush was kept up until 2AM, so he could witness the clocks being changed.

“I can assure you,” said McClellan, “that the President had been long asleep and was not kept awake.”

The other story had the White House lobbying the Vice President’s office, nearly three-months ago, for Mr. Cheney to put off his hunting trip to Texas back in February, seeking to have him reschedule it for Daylight Saving Time.

McClellan denied the report.

“We had no such conservations with the Vice President,” McClellan offered tersely. “While there are certain advantages to hunting during Daylight Savings Time, such as longer daylight, better sight and vision, the Vice President’s accidental shooting of Harry Worthington was not at all related to Daylight Standard Time, or any other lighting issue.”

Ingraham: Stories Out There; Cavuto – Is It Worth Still Having A Free Press?

Radio Host Laura Ingraham joined the White House in blasting the media, saying that she was “out, talking to people” all day.

“I got some wonderful stories,” said Ingraham. “Really positive, heartwarming stories, of people helping each other with their clocks ... Making sure their neighbors, or elderly people, were up at the right time ... A group of young children offering to change people’s VCR clocks, which everybody knows is a real pain. All these stories were out there, but when you have a left-leaning, anti-war, President-bashing press corp. ...”

“Where was the “Today” show?,” Ingraham continued. “Where was Matt Lauer? What world was he in? The stories are out there.”

Ingraham’s comments came during an appearance on “Your World With Neil Cavuto”, on the Fox News Network.

Cavuto has hosting a segment of his show, titled “Do We Still Need To Have A Free Press?”

The White House is denying that they lobbied Vice President Dick Cheney to postpone is hunting trip until Daylight Saving Time, for the purpose of having better and longer light

Top Ten Cloves: Things About ESPN Televising Dominoes Events

News Item: After Luck With Poker, ESPN Bets on New York Dominoes

10. Hoping the can pull some of the audience from the Truck Pulling, and Log Rolling programs

9. Because of school budge cutbacks, and the “No Child Left Behind” policy, not sure younger audience will be able to count the dominoes

8. Huge racial debate over to use white dominoes with black dots or black dominoes with white dots

7. Three words, big money – Celebrity Athlete Dominoes!

6. Working on deal, to boost ratings, with WWF, to allow “Designated Slammers”, to slap down dominoes with a flourish

5. Some fear that, after seeing show, U.S. Military at Abu Ghraib will begin using Iraqi prisoners as “human dominoes”

4. Four words, even bigger money - Celebrity Athlete’s Pets Dominoes!

3. May get Regis Philbin to host and set it up that players have “Lifeline”, to call friend for advice on which dominoes to lay down

2. Hard sell – People are used to seeing dominoes, set standing up, in elaborate patterns, to be knocked down with a bell rung or matching lighting at the end

1. Whole new crop of Sports Center commercials to come out of this – Two laconic anchors blowing off newscast to finish game ... Anchor having hard time learning to trash talk in Spanish ... Anchors wearing “dominoes-style suits and preening around ...

Special Essay - Play Ball! ... Batter Up!

Could You Please Tell Me, What Is This Thing Called Baseball?

base-ball ( bays-ball ) n. 1. a team game played with a bat and a ball on a field with four bases arranged in a diamond and in which
runs are scored by hitting a ball, getting walks, etc. and circling the bases ...

Oxford American Dictionary

It’s been awhile but you still know Ty Cobb’s lifetime average with runners on base and two outs. You can still rattle-off everybody Mickey Mantle tagged for a homerun. Challenged to recite the entire squad of the 1963 Cleveland Indians? No problemo! But all that goes out the window the moment some well-intentioned visitor from some new Russian republic turns to you in a bar and asks; “Could you please tell me, what is this thing called baseball?”

Go ahead, tell’em. A definition out of a book doesn’t quite nail it, does it? After all, you know that baseball is played on a field, but, inside a stadium, park or dome. The field has an infield, outfield and opposite field. Some have short fences and all have power alleys. One even has a green monster lurking about. Then there’s this business about a diamond but it would be best to move on from these last two items.

All pitchers will tell you that they have stuff

The man that throws the ball is called a pitcher. You have different kinds of pitchers – starting pitchers and relief pitchers. A starting pitcher will pitch for as long and and as well as he can. If he doesn’t have his stuff (all pitchers will tell you that they have stuff) and can’t finish the game, a relief pitcher is brought in.

There are various breeds of relief pitchers. You have long relievers and short relievers. The title refers not to their size but to the length of time that they pitch. After all, you have long relievers that are short and short relievers that are tall.

Sometimes a relief pitcher will do so well (he’ll have his stuff) that he gets credit with the win.Other times (not having his stuff) he’ll get pinned with the loss. On some occasions, he’ll only get a save, with the win going to the starting pitcher who didn’t have his stuff and couldn’t finish the game, thus being relieved. It even happens that relief pitchers get relieved by other relief pitchers.

Some pitchers (remember, he can be a starter or reliever, long or short) will wind up before they pitch. Other will deliver it from a stretch. They can throw sinkers, sliders, spitters, knucklers, curves, screwballs and change-ups. Some are plain fastballers, others sneaky lowballers. A few are outright screwballs, but we digress.

They’ll put a little on it or take a little off it. Hum it right in there or just let it fly. They’ll get ahead of the hitter (the man with the bat - more on him shortly) or behind him. Some will brush’em back while others move it around. A chosen few defy science and throw heat or smoke and just about every pitcher can throw junk (but it has nothing to do with items from his attic, or spring cleaning). All this stuff is part of the “stuff thing”, so you do want to mention it.

Baseball pays a tribute of sorts to the Spanish in that all the stadium, parks and domes have a bullpen. But they don’t keep bulls in it - they put pitchers there. All the pitchers except the one that is pitching (which, if you’ve read carefully, can be a starting pitcher or relief pitcher, long or short). The pitcher pitching gets to sit in the dugout with the rest of the team. It’s been this way for years so apparently the pitchers don’t mind it.

All hitters will tell you they have a good eye at the plate.

Now, the man with the bat is called the batter or hitter. His object is to reach base. He does this by stepping up to the plate (well, it’s not really a plate as you or I know it) and standing in the box. The on-deck hitter - the man batting next - gets to stand or kneel in a circle.

The hitter has an affinity with the plate, in that he will protect it at all times. And like pitchers with their stuff (starters or relievers, long or short), all hitters will tell you they have a good eye at the plate.

The hitter (using his good eye) can reach base by sending it up the middle or by waiting for his pitch. Some just swing away. They can hit long flies or slow rollers. Drill it to right or rap one to left. They can give it a ride or hit it in the hole. Some hit if off their wrists, others break their wrists trying to hit it (but he’ll invariably try to say that he didn’t go around).

In certain situations, the hitter will get the green light. Sometimes they go after bad balls or they’ll just pull up and check their swing (it’s the pitcher and that “stuff thing” again). If a hitter doesn’t like a pitch, he can fight it off - or sit back and take it. He can receive a walk but he might score a run.

Some hitters will choke-up on the bat. Others will choke at the plate (not having a good eye ). There are hitters who get their sports confused and will golf one. Or they’ll see basketballs coming in at them (but this last one isn’t confusing, it’s good, it means he’s in a groove, that he has a very good eye).

All you have to do is sit on a fastball

As with pitchers, you also have a variety of hitters. There’s pinch-hitters, designated hitters, switch-hitters, contact-hitters and clutch-hitters. A few are known strictly as homerun-hitters but anybody can hit a homerun - all you have to do is sit on a fastball. Some are referred to as just plain sluggers or power-hitters. There’s also the on-deck hitter but he doesn’t become whatever type of hitter he is until he leaves the circle and steps into the box.

While the object of the hitter is to reach base, he doesn’t always make it (if he does it two times out of ten, he’s considered good; three times out of ten and he’s great - go figure). He can pop out, fly out, ground out, foul out or strike out . Some go down swinging, other get caught looking (trying to take too many pitches from the pitcher - starter or reliever, long or short).

The hitter can also be called out but that’s pretty much the same as getting caught looking. Or he can be knocked out. He gets knocked out by getting caught looking or by getting hit with a pitch. If he gets hit by a pitch, he may have to go to the hospital for treatment.

If he doesn’t go to the hospital, he gets to go to first base. The pitcher can also be knocked out (but he doesn’t get to go to first base, only hitters do). Hitters are always trying to knock out pitchers. When a pitchers gets knocked out (not having his stuff, letting a hitter hit too many of his pitches - maybe even getting his pitches knocked out of the stadium, park or dome), he usually goes straight to the showers (although, on rare occasions, he may also have to go to the hospital). Then a relief pitcher is brought in, long or short.

Sometimes a hitter will hit the ball and still make an out. There are times when a hitter will want to make to make an out. That’s called a “sacrifice” He’ll only want to do that (some don’t want to do it at all) when another hitter has already reached base and can advance to another base.

If a hitter ever tries to sacrifice without another hitter on base, well, his coaches will hang him out to dry. At times, a hitter will procrastinate on a pitch and get hung up. However, he’ll always try to hang in there. The pitcher also tries to hang in there but sometimes he’ll hang one over.

When the hitter hits the ball, the fielders (more on them coming) will try to hang on to it. Fans will encourage a hitter to hang in there but if they don’t like the way he is hitting (not having a good eye at the plate), they’ll scream for him to hang it up. A close game is often described as a cliffhanger.

A hitter can hang in there by fouling one off or fouling it upstairs. He can also foul it out of play, foul it back, chop it foul or pop it foul. Sometimes the ball just drops foul. There are times when a hitter will foul out. If a pitcher (starter or reliever, long or short) throws a spitter, you’ll see the hitter cry foul. The umpires, the men in dark suits who stand behind the bases and enforce the rules, take a lot of foul abuse from players and fans, who holler foul when they don’t agree with the umpire’s decision. Foul weather will cancel a game, putting everybody in a foul mood.

A utility fielder can play both the infield and outfield, but not at the same time.

The area of fielding is less complicated then pitching or hitting. The infield (or diamond, if you will) consists of a first baseman, second baseman, third baseman and shortstop. No, it’s not a size issue. The shortstop (he can be tall or short) plays the hole between second and third base.

There’s no fourth base, per se. That’s called home plate, which we already know isn’t really a plate. The catcher plays home plate. He catches the ball thrown by the pitcher (starter or reliever, long or short). While both the pitcher and catcher are in the infield, they’re generally not referred to as infielders. They’re known as a battery, which has nothing to do with batting or a perpetually-moving, drum-banging rabbit.

In the outfield, you have a right fielder, leftfielder and centerfielder. There is no opposite fielder. The three outfielders are expected to cover the opposite field - wherever that may be based on who’s at bat. You also have utility fielders and, no, there isn’t a utility field. A utility fielder can play both the infield and outfield, but not at the same time.

There’s a good deal of running in baseball

You may also want to mention to your friend that there’s a good deal of running in baseball. Teams run out onto the field to start the game. When a hitter hits the ball, he runs to first base, where, if he makes it safely (not being thrown out or gunned down by one of the fielders, in or out), he stops being a hitter and is now a base runner.

He may attempt to go for extra bases but he may get caught in a rundown. Or maybe the fielder (in or out) will make a running catch. In either case, there may be a dispute which will cause the manager to come running out of the dugout and have a run-in with the umpire (this is one of those times that the umpire may take that foul abuse we talked about earlier). There’ll be occasions when the base runner is replaced by a pinch runner.

Late in the season - often too late – teams will make a run for the pennant.

Unlike the rest of society, baseball allows stealing. No, not money or personal property but bases.Lots of them! The more the base runner (or pinch runner, if you will) can steal, the better his team can do. Signs too (no, not billboards, “For Rent placards or “No parking” notices) but how a catcher wants a pitcher (starter or reliever, long or short) to pitch to a certain batter - depending on what type of hitter the batter happens to be. It’s all part of the game but be sure to tell your friend that, if he ever goes to a game (inside a stadium, park or dome), that he can’t do any stealing. Only the players (and some people may tell you the owners as well) can.

We’ve almost failed to mention that there are two kinds of baseball - Major League Baseball and Minor League Baseball. Everybody in the Minor Leagues wants to be up in the big show, the Majors. Nobody in the Majors wants to be in the Minors (Minor League Baseball is pretty much played in parks or on fields - not in stadiums or domes).

Wait, we nearly forgot - there’s the Infield Fly Rule. Now, it’s common knowledge that the Infield Fly rule is applicable when ...

- 30 -

Copyright J. Thomas Duffy
All Rights Reserved
Any copying or distribution without permission is strictly prohibited

Garlic Poll Results

The Garlic's Weekly Poll March 26 - April 1 2006

The votes have been cast ... All the barely marked, bent ballots and hanging chads have been examined...

Most People Think The PNAC Is ...

The Results

The Governing Body for the Game of Pinochle 33%

Weekend Paintball Warriors 31%

A TIVO Error Code 28%

A 10-Year-Old Rap Artist (also known as Lil’ P-Nac) 8%

This Week’s Poll

President Bush Believes That Global Warming Is Really ...

A setting on new, high-tech microwave ovens

The hot punk-ska band White House interns are listening to

One of the subjects from the “No Child Left Behind” policy that the DOE tossed out

The next Steven Spielberg blockbuster

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 1 April 2006

The White House released photographs today, to demonstrate that the Terrorist Surveillance Program is not reading U.S. Citizens' emails. The protocol, according to Justice Department officials are, that once an American citizen's email comes up, the agent is to turn his back on the computer and cover his eyes

CNN Anchor Lou Dobbs said that he is not satisfied with the Cancun Summit that ended yesterday, charging that "all the illegal aliens have not been dealt with."

Dobbs plans on broadcasting his news program next week from Area 51, in Groom Lake, Nevada

Rave reviews are still coming in from last week's Consistory ceremony, where, to the tune of "It's Raining Men" played by the College of Cardinals “Fighting Red Hats” Marching Band, Pope Benedict XVI and the newly installed cardinals spelled out the name of the Pope John Paul II as a tribute to the late pontiff

Peppered with questions about stepping down over his mishandling of the War in Iraq, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld lost his patience, saying to one reporter;

"How's about I come down there and deliver my resignation to your face! ... Then I'll kick your ass and knock your teeth out for mumbling about it"

Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) said this week, that if he loses his reelection bid, he plans on joining with the World Wrestling Federation, to become "Senator Doomsday".

Santorum said his signature move, after defeating opponents, will be to use the "The Claw of Redemption" on them

Politics and Sports Collide

Paperwork Mix-Up Has Feingold Censuring Bonds and MLB Investigating Bush

Bush Confused, Blames Iraqi Sectarian Violence On “Designated Bombers”; Cheney Hails NFL, Says TD Dances In Final Throes

With Congress’s look into the steroid scandal in Major League Baseball last year still, technically, open, it appears paperwork filed recently, to allow former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell to investigate the issue at the behest of Commissioner Bud Selig, may have been misfiled and is causing a domino effect of comedic errors.

Because of the paperwork mix-up, Senator Russ Feingold (D-WI) is now attempting to censure San Francisco Giant Barry Bonds, with Mitchell and Major League Baseball examining President Bush’s unauthorized use of wiretaps.

Upon hearing the news, in Mexico, for immigration talks with Mexican President Vicente Fox, President Bush became confused over the news, telling reporters that the increase in sectarian violence in Iraq is due to, not continued U.S. presence in the country, but through the influence of baseball, with “the terrorists using designated bombers.”

“It wasn’t that long ago,” added the President, himself, a former baseball team owner , “that you knew the army you were facing, you knew the starting team.”

Forged “Niagara Papers” Found

Feingold said he was nonplaused by the mix-up, saying that “this is still a very serious issue and we need to hold people accountable for it.”

The Wisconsin senator is expected to grill Bonds in upcoming hearings, concentrating on, among other things, the newly found “Niagara Papers”, forged documents that may shed light on charges that Bonds, and other major league players who used steroids, had them smuggled in from Canada.

Feingold is also expected to call to the hearings to give testimony, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and former Secretary of State Colin Powell.

According to sources close to Feingold’s office, the reports and statements from Powell and Rice, during the build-up to launching the invasion of Iraq, the talk of “aluminum tubes” may have been code for White House staffers shooting up steroids.

The focus will be on Special White House Counsel Karl Rove and Under Secretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs Karen Hughes, who sources say, their names kept coming up during the investigation of the “Niagara Papers”, and during Bond’s Grand Jury case.

Bonds could be first major leaguer censured and, if it goes to the full Senate, the first impeached.

Mitchell: Can’t Have Illegal Wiretap Tapes Tarnishing Baseball

Mitchell’s investigation will center on the continued abuses of President Bush, in ordering unauthorized wiretaps of American citizens. The former Senator has the mandate from Commissioner Selig to “follow the evidence wherever it leads.”

“One of the areas I’ll be looking at,” said Mitchell, “is if any ballplayers were illegally wiretapped, and, if so, what is the status of those tapes, how is the information being used. We can’t have these tapes out there, possibly tarnishing the game of baseball.”

Selig, in announcing Mitchell, indicated that the penalties could be harsh.

“If we find the President violated the law, acted illegally,” said Selig, “then the consequences could range that the Bush Administration would be have an asterisk next to their policies and bills, to being barred from baseball, possibly going up to being banned from Hall of Fame.”

Cheney Out of Touch, Says Touchdown Dances “In The Last Throes”

Back in Washington, charges that the Bush Administration is “out of touch” with the country were flamed anew, after Vice President Dick Cheney was asked to comment on the developments Mitchell and Feingold’s investigations.

“'I think they're in the last throes, if you will, these touchdown dances."

Yesterday, the 32 National Football League owners, in voting new rules changes, banned prolonged or excessive celebrations” by a vote of 29-3.

In a related matter, Washington Post reporter, and Bush legacy author, Bob Woodward said, in defense of Vice President Cheney, that he knew the NFL was going to ban excessive touchdown dances “over two-years ago” but chose not to write about it, out of fear of “upsetting the fervently loyal Washington Redskins fans.”

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's name has come up around the discovery of the "Niagara Papers", forged documents that may show steroids being smuggled in from Canada to Major League baseball players

Top Ten Cloves: Problems Iraqi P.M. al-Jaafari Has Telling Bush To Stop Interfering In Iraqi Politics

News Item: Get Governing,' Bush Tells Iraqis

10. President Bush might fix it that next three U.S. Presidents will be left to deal with Iraq

9. There have been veiled threats I could be sent to be tortured, with Bush claiming I know where the WMD’s are

8. After my house gets mistakenly bombed to rubble, Defense Secretary Rumsfeld will simply say “stuff happens”

7. Expects cheap Iraqi oil to be his “alternative energy source” before he leaves office

6. That Bush will get Karl Rove to start bad mouthing me to the Iranians

5. Bush isn’t buying that Iraqi Militias are just like U.S. National Guard

4. Has erroneously charged that Iraqi Government has side-deal with Halliburton to “skim the skim”

3. Bush is trying to make Iraqi Government sign contract to let Dubai Ports World manage Iraqi ports

2. If I push Bush too strongly, likely Dick Cheney will be paying me a visit

1. Is trying to force me into taking Andy Card as my Chief of Staff

“Mission Accomplished” and “The insurgency in its’ final throes” May Be Put On Card.”

White House Tense As Many Wait, Impatiently, For Card Exit

Rove, Hadley, Cheney Watching Clock For Timing; Have Smear and Blame Programs To Launch Against Former Chief

Sources close to the White House say that the tension is so thick in the West Wing, over the changing of the Chief of Staff position that virtually nothing is getting done, beyond waiting for outgoing Andy Card to leave on April 14^th.

“Boy, it’s rough in there,” said a government staffer, “This is worse then the time they were waiting to see what [former Secretary of State] Powell was going to say at the U.N. for the Iraq War build-up.”

Yesterday, President Bush announced that longtime friend, and Chief of Staff since he took office, offered his resignation, effective April 14^th, and will be replaced by Office of Management and Budget Director, and former Deputy White House Chief of Staff, Joshua B. Bolten.

Smear and Blame Campaign Building Against Card

The build of tension, many are saying behind closed doors, has less to do with the change in the Bush Administration, or others that may come, but more towards the over-two-week lag before Card leaves the White House.

“The people that are really pacing the floor, tapping their fingers are Karl Rove, Stephen Hadley and Vice President Cheney f,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?', the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party.

“They were privy early on that Card would be leaving and they’ve put together an entire program of smears and blame that they will lay off on Card – once he’s out of the office.”

‘The only thing missing in this picture,” added Aaronson, “is President Bush saying “You’ve done a heck of a job Andy.”

According to Aaronson, as well as other sources, Rove will handle the smears. Plans call for the White House to release more of the behind-the-scene notes and communications from the days following Hurricane Katrina, to which the President, and White House was heavily criticized for the lack of response to the victims in New Orleans and Gulf Region.

‘Rove’s design a clear trail, complete with emails, voicemails, everything, that will put the fiasco at Card’s feet.”

There may also be an effort to place the Dubai Ports World failure on Card as well.

Bolton Gaffe Already Pinned On Card

Card is already being blamed for the snafu in announcing his resignation.

Though the White House has yet to explain what happened, early yesterday morning, U.N. Ambassador John Bolton misunderstood the announcement of Card’s resignation and the naming of Joshua Bolten to replace him.

Ambassador Bolton headed to the airport, giving an impromptu press conference along the way, boasting he has glad that the President was pulling him out of “this hellhole” and telling reporters he told President Bush to dump Card two-years ago.

“He had the White House in coma during the Hurricane last year,” said Bolton.

While waiting for his shuttle flight to Washington, Bolton received a telephone call, telling him that he was not being named, to which Bolton erupted, calling the newly-named Chief of Staff a “little bean-counting pansy.”

“Mission Accomplished” and “The insurgency in its’ final throes” May Be Put On Card.”

National Security Advisor Hadley, and Vice President Cheney will likely build the case against Card for the troubles the White House has experienced in getting their message out over the War In Iraq.

“Both Hadley and Cheney have the notes from the WHIG meetings, so that won’t be much of a stretch for them.”

Card, ironically, set up WHIG (The White House Iraq Group) to help “market” the Iraqi War. Members included Hadley, Cheney, Rove, as well as Under Secretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs Karen Hughes , Special Councilor to Vice President Mary Matalin, Deputy National Security Advisor for Communications James R. Wilkinson, Assistant to the President for Legislative Affairs, Nicholas E. Calio, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and former Vice President Chief of Staff I. Lewis (Scooter) Libby.

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” said another State Department staff person, “to see them put “Mission Accomplished ” and “The insurgency in its’ final throes” on Card.”

The White House is waiting, impatiently, for Andy Card to leave, so they can launch a major "smear and blame" campaign against the former Chief of Staff

Top Ten Cloves: Testimonials Of Support That Didn’t Work For Jack Abramoff

News Item: Former Lobbyist to Spend 5 Years, 10 Months in Prison

10. During those Justice Sunday events, he always left the church when speakers began criticizing the courts and judiciary

9. At his restaurant, had strict policy for staff not to reuse uneaten bread and rolls for the next customer

8. Whenever he flew commercial, never stuffed the peanut bag wrapper in pouch in front on him

7. He always let children sit in the first row of his skybox at sporting events, and made sure they didn’t eat too much junk food

6. Whenever he lavished cash or gifts on a legislator, for a pro-gambling bill, he always insisted they include information for Gamblers Anonymous in it

5. Despite being in presence of others who did, Jack never told midget jokes

4. On a Saturday morning, with complete disregard for his own schedule, helped a friend find missing remote control for television set

3. To save his family, friends and business associates stress, and at peril to his own health, never told them he was running a fraud

2. Jack always said, that if Scooter Libby or Vice President Cheney leaked Valerie Plame’s name to him, he would have gone straight to the authorities to report it

1. As a child, when playing “Cowboys and Indians”, Jack always sought peace and coexistence with Indians

Bolton: Card Had White House In Coma

White House Shake-Up Causes Bolton Snafu

Fiery UN Ambassador Thought Bush Reaching Out To Him; Lambastes Card and “that little bean-counting pansy”

The morning surprise, of the White House announcing the resignation of Chief of Staff Andy Card, reverberated all the way up to New York City, causing yet another Bush Administration gaffe.

At 8:30AM today, President Bush, made the announcement, televised nationally, of Card stepping down and being replaced with Office of Management and Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten. During Bush’s first term, Bolten served as deputy White House chief of staff.

Through yet-to-be explained circumstances, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, upon hearing the news, either in an email or telephone call, mistook the message that he was being called for the duty and immediately headed off to the airport, to fly down to Washington.

And the Miers thing

Encountering news media on his way, a beaming Ambassador Bolton offered a running, unprompted discourse, as he made his way to the shuttle flight.

“It’s about God-damned time they pulled me from this hellhole,” said the U.N. Ambassador. “I told the President, two-years ago, to dump that bastard ... He had the White House in coma during the Hurricane last year ... And the Miers thing, my God, he couldn’t have screwed that pooch more if he studied for it.”

Bolton was President Bush’s controversial, and contested, choice in March 2005 to succeed John Danforth, who resigned after a short term, as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.

With a reputation for being a bully, Bolton faced a contentious Senate confirmation process, who reminded the public servant of some of his past statements, denouncing North Korean leader Kim Jong Il on the eve of talks, labeling Kim a "tyrannical dictator."

Bolton also held a low opinion of the United Nations, saying once that “There's no such thing as the United Nations. If the U.N. secretary building in New York lost 10 stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference.”

Bolton’s appointment was ultimately filibustered and President Bush, in August 2005, named Bolton Ambassador through a recess appointment.

Chief of Ass Kicking

While waiting for his flight to Washington, Bolton continued speaking with the media.

“Yep, I’m going to settle right in and start kicking some ass right away ... I think I’ll ask the President if I can have the title of “Chief of Ass Kicking” instead ... Has a nice ring to it and it’ll kick those assholes in line.”

Bolton was then interrupted by his cell phone ringing and, after a few moments of listening, he became enraged and began shouting into the phone.

“That little bean-counting pansy! ... You gotta be shitting me! ... No way, not this time ... I’ve paid my dues, I want that office.”

At that point, members of Bolton’s staff arrived at the airport and ushered the still raging Ambassador into a private office off the lobby area and exited the airport through a different exit.

In Washington, there was no immediate comment from the White House.

After the President’s televised announcement, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan told reporters that “We have spoken with the Ambassador and he has passed on to the President and new Chief of Staff his congratulations and best wishes. He told the President that he made a strong choice.”

McClellan said he would have no comment if Joshua Bolten would replace Card in the White House Iraq Group, or the new, White House Iraq and Iran Group, or if someone new would be added.

In a related matter, Washington Post reporter, and Bush legacy author, Bob Woodward said this morning that Andy Card told him he was going to resign “over two-years ago”.

“He wanted time to market the resignation,” said Woodward, “and I promised I wouldn’t write about it until it was a done deal.”

U.N Ambassador John Bolton, disappointed he wasn't named new Chief of Staff, said that "Card had the White House in a coma" and referred to Joshua Bolten as "that little bean-counting pansy"

News In Brief: New Immigration Bill Sidelines Fox News; Dobbs Says “Ruins My November Sweeps”

Fox News, AMW, Dobbs Not Pleased With Senate Immigration Measure

Say Lucrative Programming and Syndication Could Be Lost; Fox’s O’Reilly “War To Save Borders” On Hold

The late night, 12-6, bipartisan vote by the Senate Judiciary Committee, backing President Bush's favored approach to new immigration laws, was criticized this morning, by members of Congress, as well as some of the nations’ media giants.

With conservatives clamoring for sealed borders, and felony laws to be charged to illegal immigrants, the bill that came out of committee and that will go before the full floor of the Senate will embrace the views of the President, offering Guest Worker status and visas to millions of undocumented workers.

Senate Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said that he was “disappointed”, having his own, harsher bill that was to be put forward. Frist vowed that he will “beef up the security” of the new bill, and “insist on video cameras to be deployed” in the security of the borders.

“If I can diagnose a comatose, but healthy woman by videotape, I feel confident we can secure our borders with videotape. It is vital that they be used in this way.”

Fox News, AMW Come Out Against Measure.

Roger Ailes, Fox News President said that “this will be a blow to some of our programming.”

“We were laying out some big plans, with all our top guns – Cavuto, Gibson, Hume, O’Reilly and Hannity – to really lay into the border issue and how the government is giving away America. We may end up having to tone it down some, find another angle to fire up our viewers.”

Bill O’Reilly, host of Fox News’ “O’Reilly Factor” said that “these knuckleheads don’t know what they’re doing”.

O’Reilly conceded that his next effort, “War To Save The Borders” may not be launched and that he’s taking back San Francisco from Al-Qaeda and giving it to the illegal immigrants.

“No, the terrorist can’t have the fruit city anymore,” scoffed O’Reilly. “We’ll give it to the illegals’ now, let them run all over it ... do whatever they want ... That’s want the President and Congress are telling them.”

John Walsh, host of the popular “America’s Most Wanted” also expressed dismay.

“We had some big plans to add to the AMW franchise,” said Walsh. “If they kept the felony charges attached to the bill, we were going to launch “America’s Most Wanted Illegal Aliens” and we had a syndication deal with Univision that would have given us millions and millions more viewers.”

Dobbs Says November Sweeps Blown

CNN’s Lou Dobbs said, with resignation, “there goes another shining example of our democracy.”

Dobbs, along with his railing against the outsourcing of jobs in his “Exporting America” series, has beat the drum on border security as well.

“It just astounds me, “said Dobbs, “the things our government does. This bill, if it survives as is, ruins my November Sweeps plans. They’re gone ... poof ... But, hey, who knows, maybe by the Fall, CNN will have outsourced my job – or, our borders will be overrun and they’ve taken control of the station”

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Afghanistan Prosecutors Found Abdul Rahman Mentally Unfit

News Item: Afghan Convert Cleared, Released From Prison

10. Prisons filled up with CIA Extraordinary Rendition detainees, so no place to hold him

9. President Bush was mounting “New Strategy For Victory In Abdul Rahman Case” and couldn’t compete with that

8. Trying to explain what “apostasy” is to average Afghans would have been too much work

7. Found his claim of hearing strange voices was that he listens to Rush Limbaugh’s radio program, so he must be crazy

6. Fearful a trial would give rise to an Aljazeera Nancy Grace-type program

5. Says he had good reason to believe that K.T. McFarland was spying on him

4. Public support to execute Rahman was going to change after his upcoming appearance on “The Colbert Report”

3. Investigation got corrupted - Carla Martin was found coaching witnesses

2. Discovered he truly believed that new Afghan Constitution and Democracy was going to clear and save him

1. Rahman said he was converting from Christianity, to Scientology, and that meant having the wrath of Tom Cruise behind him