Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Arianna Escalating Her Wage-Less Empire

Oh boy, I have to speculate the AOL purchase of Huffington Post is going to be a bonanza of great fodder, for weeks/months/years to come.

The World Wide Web is, still, buzzing with some great stuff, from multiple angles.


First off, in the "Told-You-So" Department, Greg Sargent, over The Plum Line, has the scoop on Arianna's plans to continue not to pay her writers, and it's called "Citizen Journalism";

Arianna Huffington is planning to use AOL's infrastructure to launch a major expansion of citizen journalism in advance of the 2012 presidential campaign, she tells me in an interview, sharing new details about her vision of expanded political coverage in the wake of the merger with AOL.
Huffington described her plan as "Jeffersonian," and she says she plans to use AOL's Web site Patch.com, a network of sites that cover local news at the granular level, as a vehicle for expansion modeled on HuffingtonPost's 2008 "Off the Bus" coverage. "Off the Bus" made a splash when candidate Barack Obama was caught on tape suggesting that economically distressed voters are "bitter" and "cling to guns or religion," and if Huffington has her way, she will oversee a massive increase in such coverage next year.
"We are going to dramatically accelerate this in 2012," said Huffington, who discussed the idea on a conference call yesterday with Patch.com employees. "We will have thousands and thousands of people covering the election. Covering the Repulicans. Covering the Democrats. Just being transparent about it."
Huffington -- who said high-level editorial staffing decisions were still being worked out -- also provided the first clear glimpse of her plan to graft the HuffPo vision on to the AOL infrastructure. "Patch already has professional editors," she said, adding that freelancers across the country would work with those editors "the way that the Huffington Post pairs young reporters with established editors. It's something we can also do at the local level."
[snip]
The expansion of citizen journalism seems likely to expand the current model by which a massive amount of content is generated by unpaid freelancers who are looking to get their voices heard. If she gets her way, the site's current identity won't change, preserving the site's community feel but expanding it in new directions.
"The first thing I said about Huffington Post is that I don't want to talk to the choir," she said. "I wanted to use this platform to inform millions of people. Now that can be dramatically accelerated."

Cute, throwing in the "Jeffersonian" thing.


The third President of the United States, Thomas Jefferson, acquired and sold hundreds of slaves throughout his lifetime.[1] Jefferson first acquired slaves through his father's inheritance and by his marriage to Martha Wayles Skelton. According to one historian, Jefferson remained silent and did nothing to challenge slavery after the Revolutionary War era, America's most urgent and pressing social problem.[2] Jefferson's lavish spending left him in debt, and all but one of Jefferson's slaves that remained were sold after his death to pay his debts.[3][4][5] Jefferson today remains a complicated American icon and his writings and behavior on slavery are full of contradictions.[6] Jefferson, master of Monticello, relied heavily on slavery to support himself and his family's luxurious lifestyle.


Slaves ... Freelancers ...And, coming "Citizen Journalism" ...

Brilliant!

It certainly is "Jeffersonian"

“It’s like Friendster buying Facebook.”

Meanwhile, it appears a majority of Huffpoers are despondent, feeling like Arianna sold them out


From this large sample, a whopping 81 percent (405) opposed the acquisition in terms that ranged from confused to pessimistic to, most frequently, downright livid. Only 19 percent (95) were optimistic, though many of those were far closer to neutral.
“We made HuffPost and we are being abandoned,” one aggrieved reader wrote. “They will aim for the center. That’s where the big money is.” Another added: “Corporate greed and intelligent analysis don’t merge.” Others couldn’t even bear to read the news: “I have no interest reading about yet another monopoly creation and the slow erosion of diversity in terms of news sources.”
Within hours after the merger was announced, Huffington Post readers had even made a game of one-upping each other with metaphors that conveyed the depth of their despair about the sale. “This feels like walking into my credit union only to find out it was bought by Bank of America,” one said. “[It’s] like Carol Channing taking over for Fergie in the Black Eyed Peas. Legendary, but past the expiration date by about 10 years,” another lamented. A user with the tech analogy might have been the closest to the broader sentiment: “It’s like Friendster buying Facebook.”

Last, but not least, we'll have to extend the "My Sister/My Daughter" thing to Arianna as well.

Dana Milbank, today, pulls back the curtain on the revolving door of Ariana's idealogy;

"It's time for all of us in journalism to move beyond left and right," Huffington said Monday on PBS's "NewsHour." "Truly, it is an obsolete way of looking at the problems America is facing."
That is almost exactly what Huffington said in 2000, when she was making her last ideological transformation, from a conservative Republican into a liberal icon. "The old distinctions of right and left, Democrat, Republican, are pretty obsolete," she told Fox News then.
It's a stock line for Huffington, but if she and Armstrong are taken at their word, they are planning a radical reshaping of what had become an important voice for liberalism and a gleeful participant in the left-right game. "It can no longer be denied: the right-wing lunatics are running the Republican asylum and have infected the entire country and poisoned the world beyond," Huffington wrote in her 2008 book, "Right is Wrong ."
[snip]
I say this with admiration. Huffington deserves every one of those millions she'll be paid by AOL for creating this online sensation. She was once derided as "the most upwardly mobile Greek since Icarus" because of her many well-connected friends, but Huffington has earned her place as one of the extraordinary personalities of our time: an entrepreneur and writer who is always chasing the next big idea, wherever it is on the ideological spectrum.
Yet this is also why Huffington and her Web site are unlikely to remain as they were. Anybody who expects her to continue as a reliable voice of the left is a poor student of Huffington history.
[snip]
But in the late 1990s, Huffington began to reinvent herself. She covered the '96 political conventions for Comedy Central with Al Franken. She broke with Gingrich. She disparaged Bob Dole. She promoted Warren Beatty for president. She published a book favoring campaign finance reform. In 2000, she hosted a "shadow convention" protesting both parties.
She later explained the "transformation" of her political views by saying the right had "seduced, fooled, blinded, bamboozled" her.
That's crazy talk. Nobody bamboozles Arianna Stassinopoulos Huffington. If anybody was fooled, it was those who believed she would be a more enduring progressive than she was a conservative.


Phew!

That be a whirlwind of changes.

But, as has been noted before,and what we offered up above, one change that won't occur is Arianna paying her writers.

Can't wait for all those "Citizen Journalist" posts, in 2012, about all the funny signs and costumes at the Conventions, and Tweets about "Where's the best place to eat?" and "I missed the Press Bus, can anyone give me a ride"


Bonus Riffs






Monday, February 07, 2011

HuffPo - AOL Dealbreaker Averted: "No Mushrooms"

Logging on today, I expected to be hit, like a tsunami, with Super Bowl news.

Instead, the conflagration was all about this;


WTF!


I have always thought of AOL as the Horse--and-Buggy of the World Wide Web.

I mean, the bulk of their revenue comes from people still using dial-up services.

High Tech companies, Internet companies, and such have been booming, falling from the sky, like, say Google and Facebook, and many others, out there doing big, fast things, and there was AOL, looking out the garage door, polishing the reins, and longing to ditch the horse and get out there in the growing World Wide Web.

They've, seemingly constantly, been doing the "My Sister/My Daughter" thing, dealing with their troubles.

But, the deal was done, at the Super Bowl, and Arianna Huffington is now a media mogul.

Holy Cow!

Me thinks that, while Dallas is where the "I's" were dotted and the "T's" were crossed, she sealed the deal some months earlier;

Around the same time, I got an email from Tim Armstrong (AOL Chairman and CEO), saying he had something he wanted to discuss with me, and asking when we could meet. We arranged to have lunch at my home in LA later that week. The day before the lunch, Tim emailed and asked if it would be okay if he brought Artie Minson, AOL's CFO, with him. I told him of course and asked if there was anything they didn't eat. "I'll eat anything but mushrooms," he said.

For the saving grace of not serving mushrooms, Hufffington gets to do this millennium's first updated Charles Foster Kane thing, albiet, not in print, but on the World Wide Web, with her new Xanadu being good, ole AOL.

And there's plenty of good snark going on.


Somewhere, right now, Tina Brown is trying to sell The Daily Beast to Compuserve.
[snip]
Swisher writes that Huffington and Armstrong's "motto" is "One plus one equals 11." Which, ha, Huffington better hope that's true if her writers are going to make AOL's insane pageview targets. To that effect, AOL content will be "integrated deeply" into the HuffPo site—alongside terrific HuffPo content like "What Time Does the Superbowl Start?" and "How to Date an Indian (Advice for the Non-Indian)." The new media landscape is going to rule.


Now, by contrast, the constraints on Huffington are much fewer. Lyons frets that “all those bright young things with the glamorous job of writing for the Huffington Post are being sent down into the belly of the AOL galleyship and assigned to an oar” — but the fact is that Armstrong bought HuffPo, and TechCrunch before it, precisely because his galleyship model of managing writers was a signal failure. Arianna gets much more bang for her buck — and has happier and more loyal employees.
[snip]
Best of all, from Arianna’s point of view, is that all the extra investment she wants to make in editorial, starting with HuffPost Brazil, is going to be paid for not by rapacious venture capitalists looking for monster returns on their investment, but rather by befuddled and elderly AOL subscribers with broadband connections who don’t understand that they can cancel their $20-a-month subscriptions and still keep their AOL email address. That stream of cash won’t last forever, but it’s never going to interfere with Arianna’s editorial decision-making


I wonder who will quit first: the unpaid Post writers who aren’t making a dime from this deal, Arianna’s Hollywood buddies, or Arianna herself.


All you writers over on Engadget, TechCrunch, Moviefone, MapQuest, Black Voices, PopEater, AOL Music, AOL Latino, AutoBlog, Patch, StyleList, and others, prepare to lose your checks, and practice genuflecting, maybe even having to kiss Ariana's ring, mumbling gratefulness and gratitude for being able to write for such a great icon, for nothing.

! + ! = 11?

Sounds like some of Tom Lehrer's New Math


Bonus Riffs






Bonus Bonus Riffs




Sunday, February 06, 2011

Good Post Alert - How Much Super Bowl Is Too Much Super Bowl?

As the years go by, I have become less-and-less fond of Super Bowl Sunday.

Everything, and I mean everything, both related to the game, the NFL, and even family/friends and co-workers get over-hyped, with just about anyone you bump into, breathlessly, in anxiety-soaked voices, ask "Are you going to any Super Bowl parties?"


It may come in the not-too-distant future, that anyone not going to a "Super Bowl Party" will be banished to a leprosy-like island.

The NFL has long surpassed the label of "To Big To Fail".

It's a veritable money-printing machine.


Keep in mind, as the NFL tries to beat down the players' saleries, add more games, that with the money the NFL owners receive from television (and you can thank the former PR hack, and Commissioner Peter Rozelle for choreographing the NFL for television - the early 1960's Dallas Cowboys, perhaps thinking ahead to "Super Sundays", were the first to put numbers on the shoulders and called them "TV numbers"), that they could play the games in empty stadiums and no concessions, and still make a profit.

All this is a lead in to a good post, by David Roth, over on The Awl;


This is not exactly news, I know, but I've always believed that the bloat—more than a game encased within it, which either will be fun to watch or won't, but will still feature four 15-minute quarters—is the thing that puts people off about the game. The week of pump-it-up-when-you-don't-even-mean-it media coverage, all those thimblefuls of glib microanalysis, the leering reach for the nearest SEO-able semi-scandal—Did Player X RIP Player Y (VIDEO)?—all seem longer and louder and more desperate each year, and they will send you flipping to the Puppy Bowl if you're even remotely so inclined. The percentage of the Super Bowl broadcast given over advertisements expands exponentially—last year's Super Bowl featured seven more minutes of commercials than did 2001's. But this is what happens, it's what the market does: big things get bigger.
But the cellular division that powers this sort of overgrowth is not necessarily healthy, and long ago shaded towards decadent-unto-metastatic. That the Super Bowl is too hyped, too rich and too leveraged and branded and expensive and excessive is palpable, even in the corners most excited for it. It looks strong, of course, but these are steroid muscles—puffed up, built the wrong way, grounded in things that ruin.

If you can pull yourself away for whatever Animal Bowl is being fed into your television, or closedown the zillion tabs and take a break from watching the Super Bowl commercials, take a jump over to Roth's post



Bonus Super Bowl Riffs






Bonus Bonus


Friday, February 04, 2011

A Conflicted Life Ends ... Tango Actress Maria Schneider Dead at 58

It was quite a surprise to see the name of actress Maria Schneider in the Obit column today.

As much for remembering the long-ago crush, as for how long she has been out of the news, the limelight dimmed for quite some time.



Ms. Schneider died yesterday in Paris “following a long illness,’’ a representative of the Act 1 talent agency said, but declined to provide details.
Ms. Schneider was 19 when she starred opposite Brando in Bernardo Bertolucci’s racy “Last Tango in Paris.’’ In it, she played Jeanne, a young Parisian woman who takes up with a middle-aged American businessman, played by Brando.
Full of explicit sex scenes, “Last Tango’’ was banned in Italy for obscenity for nearly two decades, returning to cinemas there only in 1989. In the United States, the movie still has an NC-17 rating for its sexual content, meaning it can’t be seen by children under 17 years of age.

I'm quite sure anyone over the age of 18, back in 1972 either (A) flocked to the movies to see the film 'Last Tango In Paris", or (B) was aware of the controversy surrounding its' explicit sex scenes, or, (C) rushed to the record store to get the smoking soundtrack, featuring the great saxophonist Gato Barbieri.


I indulged in A, and C of the above.

In her youth, Maria Schneider was incredibly beautiful, which was likely the factor in getting her two big roles (Three years after 'Tango', she starred with Jack Nicholson in 'The Passenger').

All the obituaries mention "a long illness", which included drugs and, as a few referenced, "mental illness".

No doubt, 'Last Tango In Paris' was, perhaps, the beginning of what seemed to be a troubled life.

In the film, Jeanne enters into a brief but torrid affair with a recently widowed American, played by Brando. Their erotically charged relationship, played out in an empty apartment near the Bir Hakeim Bridge in Paris, shocked audiences on the film’s release in 1972, especially a scene in which Brando pins Ms. Schneider to the floor and, taking out a stick of butter, seems to perform anal intercourse on her. The Motion Picture Association of America gave the film an X rating.
The role fixed Ms. Schneider in the public mind as a figurehead of the sexual revolution, and she spent years trying to move beyond the role, and the public fuss surrounding it. “I felt very sad because I was treated like a sex symbol,” she told The Daily Mail of London in 2007. “I wanted to be recognized as an actress, and the whole scandal and aftermath of the film turned me a little crazy and I had a breakdown. Now, though, I can look at the film and like my work in it.”
The famous butter scene, she said, was not in the script and made it into the film only at Brando’s insistence. “I felt humiliated and to be honest, I felt a little raped, both by Marlon and by Bertolucci,” she said. “After the scene, Marlon didn’t console me or apologize. Thankfully, there was just one take.”

Whatever, it still brings about a veil of sadness.

RIP Maria Schneider.




Thursday, February 03, 2011

Breaking News! ...Groundhog Hoax - Famous Phil Balked, Joined Egypt Protest

Controversy has erupted in Gobblers Knob, as sources have come forward, charging that the groundhog that predicted an early spring was not the famous, and well-known, Punxsutawney Phil.

"Phil notified his handlers days before the event," a source close to the event at Gobblers Knob offered, "that he was not going to come out, that he was sympathetic to the protesters in Egypt and wouldn't come out until President Hosni Mubarak left office."

This caused a whirlwind of activity, running up to just hours before the big, public event, of the groundhog's handlers searching feverishly for another groundhog that could stand in, and look like, the famous prognosticator.

Officials at Gobblers Knob refused to comment on the charges.

When reached, protesters in Cairo were pleased that they have the support of an American icon.

"The day we have a free Egypt, we'll bring him over here to celebrate with us." gushed one protester.

This isn't the first time questions have been raised, as in 2005, charges were brought up that Punxsutawney Phil lied about seeing his shadow.

More as this story develops.


Bonus Riffs







Bonus Bonus Riffs





Rumsfeld Goes With The Lies He Wish He Had

Who knew!

Lenny Bruce used to do a bit where he offered this advice;
"Whatever happens, deny it. Flat-out deny it! If you really love your wife, deny it. If they walk in on you, deny it. Even if they got pictures, deny it. Even if she catches you with a chicken, deny it."
I just can't picture Old Snowflakes being into Bruce, so he must have just taken his own advice and said "You go to write a book with the lies you have---not the lies you might want or wish to have at a later time."


Yes, yet another of the Bush Grindhouse, one of their most prolific warmongers, has penned a "Not Me, Not My Fault" book, hitting the streets this week.

UGH!

“Two weeks after the worst terrorist attack in our nation’s history, those of us in the Department of Defense were fully occupied,” Mr. Rumsfeld recalls. But the president insisted on new military plans for Iraq, Mr. Rumsfeld writes. “He wanted the options to be ‘creative.’ ”
[snip]
His biggest mistake, Mr. Rumsfeld writes, was in not forcing Mr. Bush to accept his offers to resign after the abuse of Iraqi detainees by American military jailers came to light in early 2004. Mr. Rumsfeld insists that the abuses were the actions of rogue soldiers and that they did not reflect any approved policies, but nevertheless he offered to step down.
[snip]
While generally defending the Bush administration’s counterterrorism legal policies, Mr. Rumsfeld expresses some regrets. He suggests several times that some criticism and setbacks could have been avoided if the administration had gone to Congress for legislation authorizing the policies instead of relying on the president’s war powers.

"Oh, if we only didn't didn't have contempt and scorn for our critics (you know, the "Appeaserrs ... the morally and intellectually confused" ), and only if we didn't piss on the Constitution and make up our own laws, maybe things would have turned out better."

Heh, that's funny. Of course, since there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and in fact there apparentrly had not been any for a number of years, the reason that Rumsfeld would like to take "that one" back is because he was lying. Maybe someday someone will free the Washington Post from the tyranny of the inverted pyramid and they can actually say that.
Donald Rumsfeld lied.

Jack Stuef, over on Wonkette weighed in as well;
America’s Grandpa of Death Donald Rumsfeld is having his memoir published on Tuesday, serving as an addendum to George W. Bush’s book in that it has actual, alleged facts, opinions, and memories in it. So: Abu Ghraib? Not his fault, but he really wanted to resign over it and feels very emo that big meanie Bush wouldn’t let him. Initial troop levels? Not his fault, nobody in the military ever asked him for more troops. Guantanamo? Not his fault the jail existed, and actually he made sure there was less torture and fewer prisoners. Hmm, anything we’re forgetting here? Oh, that one war. What was it called again? Anyway, not his fault, Bush came to him about Iraq before the U.S. even invaded Afghanistan, but at the same meeting, he also talked about Rummy’s son’s drug addiction, so all Rummy could do was cry about that. Whoops!
And this;
Ah, there you have it. Rumsfeld could have said, “What the fuck are you talking about going to war with Iraq for? Our country was just attacked by a foreign terrorist organization we need to go try to destroy. Iraq has nothing to do with this. Aren’t you more concerned with winning this war we haven’t even begun yet?” But instead, his son had done some drugs. Sure thing, Rumsfeld. Perfectly good excuse. You should drop some leaflets on the families of people, American and Iraqi, whose children have died in that war. “Sorry, my son was doing drugs. I was emotional at the time. Not my fault.”

Stuef also had a suggestion for those plans to invade and occupy Iraq to be "creative" that "Rummy says Defense was preparing for offense on Afghanistan at the time, but Bush asked him to be “creative.” Creative! Perhaps the military could stage a production of Grease for the people of Iraq before taking a bow and dropping a bomb on them?

No instead we just got greasy lies, at the time, and more polished greasy lies now, with the book.

I wonder if his Lie Tour will interfere with his, and his former Shadow President's Armageddon weekends?

Like we said above, Ugh!


Bonus Rummy Riffs




Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard During Last Nights SOTU


10. "We should pass a bill that mandates the SOTU be like Twitter - 140 characters, or less ..."

9. "I see that Kucinich brought his own sandwich tonight ..."

8. "Being the Bears fan that he is, I heard he might give Jay Cutler a medal, or something ..."

7. "What's going to happen first, Joe Biden falling asleep, or John Boehner crying?"

6. Someone claims Rep. Joe Wilson shouted out "Only thing missing is the Mighty Mouse theme music ..."

5. "Hey, get this, John Thune is going around telling people no way is he going to invest in Sputnik ...

4. "Well, at least Rep. Paul Ryan doesn't look like that 30 Rock Page guy"

3. "Did you see Palin called Reagan "America's Lifeguard" the other day? ... Is she trying to say Obama belongs at that Pennsylvania swimming club? ..."

2. "What's the difference between Obama, and Taco Bell's meat? - Nothing, neither Taco Bell, or his speech, has much beef ..."

1. "Instead of letting the Tea Party have her, maybe we should have Bachmann give our official response - what's the worst that could happen? ..."


Thursday, January 20, 2011

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Reasons Baby Doc Returned To Haiti

News Item: Baby Doc's return to Haiti prompts fury, cheers

10. Just wanted to get some new pics for his Facebook Page

9. Just testing the reception and range of his new, 4G Cell Phone

8. Taking the Rex Ryan approach, and that all he needs to be is be better for one day

7. Inspired by Joe Lieberman to be an upstanding, and courageous politician

6. Making personal appeal to diplomats, to diss him, so he'd have a WikiLeaks file of his own

5. When leaving 25-years ago, forgot his American Express card

4. Part of a pitch, to the Kardashians, to get on their show, saying they need a "President-for-Life

3. Said it was the closest place the plane could land that didn't have any snow

2. Decided it was time to bring his talents to Port-au-Prince

1. Oh Shit! ... Screwed up at airport, was supposed to fly to Tunisia






Bonus Riffs

Tim Padgett: Who Let 'Baby Doc' Duvalier Back into Haiti?

Jonathan M. Katz (CP): With Baby Doc back in Haiti Aristide calls next; says he is ready now

CSM: 5 reasons why Haiti's Jean-Claude Duvalier is infamous

Sad News, Another Jazz Giant Passes Away ...James Moody Dies at 85

This had happened before.

Once, when living in Los Angeles, and the 24-hour jazz radio station, KKGO, as I awoke, was playing a very long set of Willie Bobo's music, and I knew that had to mean that Willie, who had been ill, passed away.

So, the night-before-last, Jazz With Bob Parlocha comes on at midnight with a set of James Moody's music and that eerie feeling hung in the air, soon confirmed by Parlocha that James Moody, the Sax and Reed player extraordinaire, had passed away, at age 85.


I was fortunate to have seen Moody perform, live, numerous times, and it was always a treat, be it his own band, or if he was a sideman in someone elses.

It was reported that Mr. Moody had pancreatic cancer and chose not to go through the cumbersome treatment (radiation or chemo) and that sounds like how he lived his life, taking things head on, learning as he went along, always trying to be better.

And, thanks to a lark of Moody, playing around with the harmonic structure of 'I'm In The Mood For Love", we have, for posterity, a tune named after Moody, written by the late singer, Eddie Jefferson, and a big hit for King Pleasure;

The song he sang most often had a memorable name and an unusual history. Based on the harmonic structure of “I’m in the Mood for Love,” it began life as an instrumental when Mr. Moody recorded it in Stockholm in 1949, improvising an entirely new melody on a borrowed alto saxophone. Released as “I’m in the Mood for Love” (and credited to that song’s writers) even though his rendition bore only the faintest resemblance to the original tune, it was a modest hit for Mr. Moody in 1951. It became a much bigger hit shortly afterward when the singer Eddie Jefferson wrote lyrics to Mr. Moody’s improvisation and another singer, King Pleasure, recorded it as “Moody’s Mood for Love.”
“Moody’s Mood for Love” (which begins with the memorable lyric “There I go, there I go, there I go, there I go ...”) became a jazz and pop standard, recorded by Aretha Franklin, George Benson, Van Morrison, Amy Winehouse and others. And it was a staple of Mr. Moody’s concert and nightclub performances as sung by Mr. Jefferson, who was a member of his band for many years. Mr. Jefferson was shot to death in 1979; when Mr. Moody, who was in the middle of a long hiatus from jazz at the time, resumed his career a few years later, he began singing the song himself. He never stopped.
Here's Moody singing the tune himself;



And, here's the King Pleasure classic;



Here's Moody, with Dizzy, performing Dizzy's "Kush"

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Top Ten Cloves: Surprises On First Day of GOP Majority In Congress


10. Representative Steve King (R-IA) insists on having title of House Majority Idiot

9. Republicans hire Rulon Gardner to taunt out-going Democrats as "The Biggest Losers"

8. To save time, GOP Majority insists all floor speeches need to be a Twitter-like 140-characters, or less

7. First Bill - All members need to be as tanned as new Speaker of the House, John Boehner

6. New Majority Whip Eric Cantor challenges King as to being House Majority Idiot

5. Swearing in new members is delayed, as newly-elected Tea Party Congressmen show up with misspelled signs and shout down the speaker

4. New Speaker of House Ceremony delayed - Gavel keeps slipping out of Nancy Pelosi's hand due to it being soaking wet from John Boehner's crying

3. Michele Bachmann got so excited with having the Majority, she gets confused and starts investigating herself for Anti-American activities

2. Big confusion - Tea Party Members thought they were reading The Constitution, but, due to error, actually are reading leaked cables by WikiLeaks

1. LeBron James shows up, announces he's "Taking his talents to the Congress"


Bonus Links




Friday, December 31, 2010

Bon Annee! ...Happy New Year

Good Afternoon Garlic Fans, we hope you are having a most enjoyable Holiday season.


It's been some time since our last posting , and, unfortunately, we are still in the (L4 for any ambitious med students reading this), and it comes with the added sidebar of Numb Feet, which is stumping the Docs attending to me.

We did the three-injection program this past summer, and, after Shot #2, my symptoms escalated.

Physical Therapy offered some mitigation for a short period, and the various meds given haven't been much use (one of them, Vicodin, actually landed me in the hospital for two-days, with some unusual chest-tightening).

Currently, I am on Gabepentin, which is actually an anti-seizure med that they have had success with, off-label, for neurological issues.

An EMG test is next in order, a testing of the nerves by jolting me with electricity, to see that they are all firing properly, and, based on those results, the next course of action will be determined.

Our goal in the soon-to-arrive 2011, is to get back to writing daily, so, keep you eyes peeled, and bookmarks marked.

The Party-of-Noicans taking majority in the House is going to rival an unending Marx Brothers Film Festival ...

And Mommy Moose is still front-and-center, having feed an Alaskan-sized avalanche of quarters into that "15-Minutes-of-Fame" machine.

Yes, 2011 is going to be fun.

Happy New Year, once again!

With all the BS, and calamities we've had to endure, we'll let Joe Cocker, and The Crusaders, take us out with our nomination that this tune be the official New Years theme.




Thursday, July 08, 2010

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Surprises With LeBron James Announcement Tonight


News Item: LeBron James, ESPN to Air "The Decision": Obnoxious Summer of Me Reaches Climax


10. Shocking confession - It was he who had affair with Al Gore

9. Retiring ... Plans on running for President in 2012, on Tea Party platform - Will name Palin running-mate

8. Retro Ball-Busting - Just as James gets ready to say where he's going, ESPN cuts off to "Heidi"

7. Shocker! ...Deal worked out between USA and Russia, James traded for all the spys, leads Ruskies to Olympic Gold in 2012, rename country after him, all advertising carries his image, and then retired and put out to stud thousands of Little LeBrons

6. James taking year off ... Will apply all his basketball prowess to cleaning up oil in Gulf

5. Along with saying what team he'll play for, announces he's coming out, plants big smacker on Jim Grey

4. Staying with Cavaliers, moving, not just team, but the entire city to new state, renaming it "LeBronJamesville"

3. Announces not going anywhere until Lindsey Lohan is free

2. Says going to Knicks, contingent upon Dancing Harry coming out of retirement

1. Announces he's a new NBA franchise - Will play against league next season, all by himself


This Date ... On The Garlic


8 July 2009... On The Garlic


Instant Racist Ignorant Dolts - The Valley Swim Club


8 July 2008... On The Garlic


It's Now The Denver Four!

If He Lived In Australia ...


8 July 2007... On The Garlic


Retro Garlic: Sorry Rita, We Tried ... 7 New Wonders of the World Chosen


8 July 2006... On The Garlic


More Letters On The Garlic’s Baseball Piece


8 July 2005... On The Garlic


A Call For Peace


Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Heatwave

Okay ... It can stop now ... Just turn it off ... Had enough, thank you ... Thanks for comin' ... See ya ... Just turn it off ... Had enough... Thanks, but really, we've had enough ... No, no, no ... You don't have to keep it going ... Really, just turn it off ... It's okay ... Really ... It's okay ... Don't need anymore ... All set, thanks ...


Cal Tjader and Carmen McRae Heatwave






This Date ... On The Garlic


6 July 2009... On The Garlic


He Should Have Stuck To Making Cars

Now It's The Honeybees!


6 July 2008... On The Garlic

Oil That Is, Black Gold, Tehran Tea ...

Rice Audtioning For New Role of Aricept Spokesperson

Top Ten Cloves: Ways Google Can Provide Better Day Care


6 July 2007... On The Garlic


Let's Hear It For The Quid Pro Quo ... New Garlic Song - Hush Little Libby

Of Blackboards, Chalk and Legacies ... The Constitutional Crises Continues


6 July 2005... On The Garlic


Cheney Emerging As Next Justice Pick By Bush Feared; VP On Vetting Panel; Nearly Same Situation But Now Has Residency Established

Rove Said To Be "Under Pressure" Over Leak Accusation; Key Bush Strategist Shows "Erratic Behavior" As Critics, Press Call For Admission

Top Ten Cloves: Other Things Jacques Chirac Thinks of England and Finland



Monday, July 05, 2010

Come Back, Shane! ... Come Back!

Good Evening Garlic Fans ...

Once again, we come (and being the day after the 4th), it can be said, with a firework barge-full of apologies, for our extended absence.

When last we popped in, some three-weeks ago (not counting the First Day of Summer, and our prognostication on the recently fired cock-waving, muscleheaded military commander, General Stanley A. McChrystal), we had been diagnosed with a Herniated Disc (in the L4 region), and was soon off to a second Ortho Guy, for a shot in the back.

Well, we received said shot-in-the-back, and since, only marginal improvement.

Some of the pain has been mitigated, however, numbness of the foot goes on, and, the cramping has been virtually unabated, disrupting sleep to the point of not being able to call it sleep (We would gladly pay you Thursday, for some sleep today).



We've been carrying on with our homefront project, as best we can (and that is behind schedule, as well), and none of this has had us in a creative mood to write, missing, for the first time since we started writing The Garlic, our annual tirade of a July 4th Garlictorial.

Most fortunately, and unknowingly, someone picked up the slack on that front for us.

Our good friend Barry Crimmins, who has an awesome post up for the Annual Pap Holiday, "Fourth of July Remarks For Any Occasion (in the form of notes for the platform speaker)";

Continued remarks about how we wouldn't be able to play golf or even go to a mall this morning without our supported dupes' absolutely needless sacrifice in inordinately far-flung places. Places where the locals have learned that, to Americans, appreciation for democracy can only come at the cost of the arms, legs, eyesight, mental health and even the lives of countless innocents whose only prior crime was to have never thought of our nation in any terms, at all. But now they know us, thanks to the, at times, literal human sacrifice of our very children to a heartless yet absurdly self-righteous foreign policy that is enforced by retaliation against almost anyone who makes the mistake of passing through somewhere, where someone we really hate might also pass through at some point.

That's what makes us different from the terrorists.



And if Barry's post wasn't enough, a War of Words erupted in the Comments Section, and a few dwarfs, finks, phonies and frauds perhaps Wannabe Flying Monkeys, since their blather was little more that the tired-and-tattered, Right Wing Dale Carnegie toast of "if you don't love this country, you should leave it", attempted to lecture and humble Barry with that tripe.

I mean, that's like showing up to a Rave, in a John Travolta-Saturday-Night-Fever-white-bell-bottomed-suit, and thinking you're major cool.

I think Barry handled, dealt with, and settled, that particular Right Wing lament back when Nixon was in office, so he swatted that away like a home run hit at Home Run Derby (easy-as-pie, for our baseball-challenged readers - you can go read our Special Essay to bone-up on the Grand Ol' Pastime)

So inane were these voices from Nitwitville, that James Wolcott had to use his Vanity Fair column, to call out, specifically, Darlene Click's vapidness, which will likely, draw in all of Click's Wannabe Flying Monkeys, to read Wolcott, and then click over to read Barry post, for the context.

Hum Stars and Stripes Forever to yourself, as those Wannabe Flying Monkeys suddenly feel like they don't whether to piss, or wind their watches.

Back to business, with a Heatwave settling in this week (ask me in a few days how that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" thing is workin' for me), and the Back/Herniated Disc thing still playing havoc, and feeling like we have lost our writing mo-jo, we can't say when we will resume regular posting, other than the nebulous "soon".

So, go dig into Barry Crimmins' delicious holiday treat and keep checking back for any fresh post we sneak in.


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Top Ten Cloves: Possible Reasons For North Korea To Run Missile Tests


5 July 2005... On The Garlic

Conservatives Threaten Taco Bell Boycott, Justice Weekends; Economic Message To Bush If Gonzales Placed On High Court

Founder of Earth Day, Gaylord A. Nelson, Dead at 89; Mother Earth To Offer "Volcanic Salute To A Great Friend"

Live 8 Concerts Generate Over 26 Million Text Messages; Over 24-Million Exchanged About "The Blond In Front of The London Stage"

Top Ten Cloves: Most Surprising Things NASA Discovers With Deep Impact and Comet Tempel 1