Breaking News! President’s Personal Resolutions Will Determine Iraq Strategy

Bush Launches New White House “Resolution” Group; Targeting Jan. 1 To Begin Changes

Plans Own 100-Hours; From Dealing With Iraq Jar, To Losing Weight, Says “New Strategies Will Come From Me”

Sources close to the President have told The Garlic, that the White House is “in a frenzy” as President Bush has personally set up a new study group, with a two-week time line, to compile a list of “resolutions” the President should consider for the new year.

The White House Resolution Group is spearhead by Chief of Staff Josh Bolten, and has a widely diverse membership, pulling from the White House Iraq Group, the White House Iraq and Iran Group, trusted confidants outside the White House and Vice President Dick Cheney.

Cheney’s role in the Resolution Group will be limited to an advisory role, as the Vice President is pressed for time heading his own Iran Study Group.

Former Iraq Study Group chiefs James Baker, Lee Hamilton, as well as any other members of the group, will not be brought in and will not be solicited for any potential resolutions that President can make.

The WHRG is to submit their final list of recommended resolutions to the President by December 30^th, while the President works to compile his own list. The target of December 31^st is circled for the President to take his own list, merge it with the WHRG’s list and come up with what will be his own New Years’ resolutions that will embrace both personal goals, as well as what his new plans for Iraq will be.

Pushing Back Iraq Solution Unrelated To New Resolutions

President Bush was to address the nation with his new Iraq plans before Christmas, but on Wednesday, the White House announced he was delaying the speech until the New Year.

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said, before banging his head on the podium, he didn’t know if the announcement of the delay had anything to do with the new Resolution Group and, when pressed by reporters, indicated that “I’d recommend that President make a resolution, like I have, to apologize to NBC’s David Gregory.”

“I think,” added Snow, “that what we have here is a man, just like millions of other people around the country, that is going to, you know, make some resolutions for the New Year ... To be a better person ... And he’s doing, just like other people, both personal and professional resolutions ... He’s the Commander-in-Chief and some of those professional resolutions will be about policy and what’s best for the country ... “

Bush Resolutions To Be ‘I-Told-You-So” Proof

The White House is denying that the new Resolution Group is part of the plan to get their “mojo back” or that using resolutions are to be a rebuttal to the ISG Report.

The timing of the WHRG is extremely coincidental to the release of the report, in which the President seemingly blew it off, vowing to come up with “a new strategy for Iraq” saying "The American people expect us to come up with a new strategy to achieve the objective which I've been talking about."

“This is all the President’s.” said an aide in the White House. “The planning for the Resolution Group predated the release of the ISG ... The President wanted a plan, something, that was his own, and not be subject to a bunch of I-Told-You-So’s ...”

President Bush hasn’t ruled out at least two of the ISG’s recommendations, that that he reinvade Iraq or that he launch a reality show to come up with a new solution.

100 Hours and The Iraq Jar

Sources have indicated that the goal is to come up with 100-hours of resolutions, which can be measured and tracked for progress and effectiveness.

This includes ordinary resolutions of losing weight, and increasing his "Ek-A-Lec-Tic" Reading List to, at least, four Shakespeares” to laying out a new strategy to deal with the crises in Iraq. There will be no plans or resolution to begin defining what’s going on in Iraq as a “Civil War”.

The President will resolve, according to Hugh P. Varicator, a consultant with the conservative hawkish think tank, “Cry Wolf”, that is said to be closely affiliated with The Project for the New American Century (PNAC), and, some say, may be an adjunct to the White House Iraq Group, or WHIG, to begin whittling away at the Iraq Jar.

“He as to start dealing with that,” said Varicator. “The thing is overflowing with ideas and suggestions and who knows, there just might be a plan in there that can save his presidency, his legacy.”

The White House is bristling at the suggestion the President’s 100-Hours of Resolutions is designed to overshadow the planned 100-Hours of the 110th Congress, in which Speaker-Elect Nancy Pelosi says she will “drain the GOP swamp.”

“It is nothing of the sort,” said one aide. “It’s a matter of New Years’ Resolutions and you, if my memory is correct, begin or launch those at the beginning of the New Year ... They [Congress] have their plans, we have ours ...”

Outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who was not invited to join the White House Resolution Group, weighed in on the matter.

“Gosh Golly ... Resolutions?... My goodness, what the heck do you think we’ve been doing for the last three years? ... We’ve being going with the resolutions that we had, not the resolutions we wish we had at a later time.”

The First Lady will be happy to hear that the new White House Resolution Group will see that the President deals with the overflowing Iraq Jar that sits in his office

Retro Garlic - The Iraq Jar

Here’s a gift to kick off the spirit of Christmas, 12 Days-out ... Another stunning headline ripped from the pages of ... The Garlic!

Who knew there really was an Iraq Jar in the White House?

Today, from the Washington Post;

Bush Delays Speech on Iraq Strategy

Last Tuesday, from The Garlic;

President Putting New Policy Suggestions In “Iraq Jar”; Rarely Pays Attention To It

Cue the ‘Twilight Zone’ theme and fade out ...

To Serve Man. The government in that episode also had major problems with Intelligence

Chopped Garlic - An Obit Of Note - Georgia Gibbs

We have, from time-to-time, taken note of obituaries discovered. A few in the short past history of The Garlic include John DeLorean and former Stockholm Opera conductor, Sixten Ehrling.

Today, we descried another, and it brought out a grin and a laugh. It was the obit for the former pop singer, Her Nibs, Georgia Gibbs.

The humor found with the obit was not based in the death of Ms. Gibbs, but with instantly, upon seeing the headline, being taken back to the late, legendary satirist and comic, Lenny Bruce, and his routine ‘The Palladium’ (also presented in some instances as “Comic At The Palladium”)

This is one of Bruce’s enduring classic treasures, of a low-level comic badgering his agent (“The pool isn’t in yet, but the patio is dry”) to play the “big rooms” (“I want a class date ... I can’t keep going back to Montreal ...”), who, after trying to talk him down, gives into the comic’s demand and books him at the Palladium in London (“You open on the 19^th with Georgia Gibbs ... Bobby Breen ... Helen Noga, .. And Bruno Hauptmann’s son ... For some insurance there...”)

The scatological references (and there’s a ton more in the routine) have Noga, who was a club owner and artist agent, handing Johnny Mathis at one point and Bobby Breen was a former child singing star. The point, lost on the comic, was he was being booked with a bunch of Has-Beens.

Now this was a rather extraordinary obituary, for someone who was a B-List entertainer, at best. Much of Ms. Gibbs success came via the policy of discrimination, with the major record labels pushing white people like Ms. Gibbs, Pat Boone and others, on records and into television, singing the hits of black artists.

I don’t want to spoil it for you, so read the obit, Singer Georgia Gibbs, 87; Performed With Big Bands and on Radio Shows, for the devastating, hysterically-funny jab LaVern Baker throws at Gibbs.

Links

Lenny Bruce

Georgia Gibbs

Listen To The Palladium (On Rhapsody)

In the liner notes for Bruce’s recording, ‘The Berkeley Concert’, writer Ralph Gleason (no slouch in the Legend Dept. himself) says;

“Lenny didn't have to say the controversial words to be funny. Religions, Inc. and Comic at the Palladium will rank as classic American satires as long as we exist.”

Top Ten Cloves: Reasons Why Saudi Arabian Ambassador Suddenly Resigned His Post

News Item: Saudi Ambassador Abruptly Resigns, Leaves Washington

10. Made reference to “Iraq Civil War” in the presence of President Bush and was promptly deported back to Saudi Arabia

9. Wanted to leave earlier but stayed to collect his year-end dividend from The Carlyle Group

8. Didn’t feel safe in USA, after reports of State Department using Google to gather their Intelligence

7. Leaving early, so he doesn’t get called to testify at Scooter Libby’s trial next month

6. Heard a rumor that blogger Michele Malkin was getting ready of accusing him of exaggerating the violence in Iraq

5. Bush has been badgering him for a New Way Forward

4. Panicked ... Heard rumors that Saudi Arabia was considering trading him for Alan Iverson

3. Lost a bet ... Said he’d leave and go home as soon as Bush’s ratings dropped below 30%

2. Was outraged that Tom DeLay started blogging and is leaving in protest

1. Really liked eating at Taco Bell restaurants and with the latest E. Coli breakout...

Lost a bet ... Said he’d leave and go home as soon as Bush’s ratings dropped below 30%

Garlic Special - New Bush Theme Song - Nature Bush

In The Garlic’s ongoing quest, to keep our Court-Appointed-President bathed in theme music, we found ourselves humming the Nat King Cole gem, ‘Nature Boy’ most of the day. The plaintive tone of the tune seemed most appropriate for The Decider as he charts a New Way Forward.

Hence, we offer ...

Nature Bush

There was a Bush
A very strange Executive Powered Bush
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little smug and mad of eye
But Stay The Course was he

And then one day
A magic day the ISG passed his way
And while they spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This they said to Bush
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to leave and have the troops return"

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to leave and have the troops return"

Links

Nat King Cole

Nature Boy

Listen To A Clip of Nature Boy

The Nat King Cole Society

Nat King Cole’s Albums

Scroll Down The Right Sidebar To Check Out Other Songs ... On The Garlic

Retro Garlic: Life Imitating The Garlic

We had to do a double-take today, when we noticed the headline of an article appearing in The Washington Post .

Pretty close to the zone of life imitating The Garlic

Seeking Iran Intelligence, U.S. Tries Google

Back in early October, The Garlic had the scoop on this;

Google Crashes! Besieged With “I’m Feeling Lucky” Searches From White House, Congress

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 10 December 2006

Rice In, Rove Out

With reports of a riff between President Bush and White House Advisor Karl Rove, over Rove’s use of “The Math” to miscalculate the 2006 Midterm elections, Rove is now regulated to walking behind the President and is often ignored by President Bush, and other cabinet members.

With President Bush all but ignoring the Iraq Study Group Report, and waiting for suggestions from the Pentagon, as well as internally, from the White House staff, a classified memo leaked indicates the that President Bush is considering employing Indian Snake Charmers to help stem the violence in Iraq.

Due to a government crackdown , the private Bush memo states there are “more then enough snake charmers to cover most of Iraq”

As cited by the Iraq Study Group, the poor infrastructure and reconstruction of Iraq, military personnel must ride around, at times, for miles, before they can pick up a signal to make and complete a telephone call

In the Good-Timing Department, Jason Lee, star of hit NBC comedy “My Name Is Earl” announced that the show will adopt the Iraq Study Group Report into the show’s storyline. Lee indicated that they were running out of ideas on how his character could keep making good on past misdeeds and that “the 79 recommendations sure gives us a lot to work with”

Retro Garlic: Anybody Check The Freezer For Any Loose Ballots?

Well, it plays out that the Honorable Congressman from New Orleans, William Jefferson, lives to sit in another session.

Running away with the Run-Off Election yesterday, Jefferson trounced State Rep. Karen Carter to win his eight term in Congress, all while being under investigation for taking bribes related to contracts in Nigerian telecommunications business (can’t you just feel, if charges are ever brought, a good, lush, logic-defying Nigerian Email Scam defense in the making here?

You remember, don’t you? The deliciously-rich discovery of $90,000 stuffed into his freezer.

Retro Garlic points you to;

Top Ten Cloves: How Freezer and Refrigerator Manufacturers Are Exploiting Congressman Jefferson’s Scandal Situation

Any Of These ISG Guys Happen To Have A Wife That Works Undercover At The CIA? ... The Results - The Garlic Week Poll

With President Bush all but coming out and defiantly saying “Blow Me” to James Baker and Lee Hamilton, following the release of the now “My Sister- My Daughter” Iraq Study Group Report, you have to place high odds, as did this past weeks’ Garlic Poll voters, that Vice President Dick Cheney and his jolly staff are burrowing their way through tons of government records, looking for something to smear and/or expose about any member of the group.

But in dismissing the report, the White House is blinded from the gift they have been given.

While the ISG Report does document what about 50% of the country has known now for nearly three-years, that “Bush and Cheney’s Excellent Iraq Adventure” is a historically unprecedented disaster, the focus has been less on that and what our AWOL Flyboy -Turned Bankrupt Oilman -Turned Gadfly Baseball Team Owner -Turned Death Machine Governor - Turned Court Appointed President is going to do.

So, Bush has another two-or-three-weeks before he’s exposed again of being a grinning incompetent. And what’s that old adage about even a blind squirrel gets an acorn once in awhile.

What’s the plan there Jeffe?

The Results - The Garlic's Weekly Poll December 3 - December 9, 2006

After President Bush receives the Iraq Study Group Report this week, he’ll...

1. Have the State Department leak another memo, this time saying how incompetent the Iraq Study Group really is Tally 26%

2. Get one of the White House interns to check out how much it will fetch on eBay Tally 24%

3. Put Dick Cheney and his staff to work, combing over it to see there’s no erosion of Executive Power Tally 19%

4. Take the points from it and apply them to his plans to attack and occupy Iran Tally 17%

5. Give James Baker and Lee Hamilton Medal of Freedom Awards Tally 14%

This week’s Poll - With the Democratic-led 110th Congress planning on working a 5-Day week, we can expect...

Scroll up to the top right corner to place your vote

Even a blind squirrel gets an acorn once in awhile

Top Ten Cloves: Things Overheard At The National Christmas Tree Lighting

News Item: Bush Lights National Christmas Tree

10. This is the second tree they brought in ... Rumsfeld picked out the first one... It had scrawny branches and hardly any bark

9. I heard there’s a simulcast thing going on ... They’re making Maliki put up and light a tree in Baghdad, but it will be built into the security thing over there

8. I don’t see the Cheney’s but the daughter’s wife is here

7. I heard we were going to call it the “National Holiday Tree” until Bill O’Reilly started flapping his gums

6. Did you know this is the most expensive National Christmas Tree ever - Halliburton decorated it and strung the lights

5. Look, the First Lady’s dress is the same color as the tree!

4. I think he’s a little steamed ... He kept pacing, mumbling something about lighting the tree isn’t something Baker is making him do

3. Nice touch with the “Tree Lighting Accomplished” banner

2. It’s a new lighting system this year ... The Park’s people found this really cool design on the “Operation Iraqi Freedom Document Portal” Website

1. I can’t stay long ... I have to go over to the private tree lighting ceremony over at Dick Cheney’s Secret Bunker

He kept pacing, mumbling something about lighting the tree isn’t something Baker is making him do

Breaking News! ISG Offers New Option For Bush Legacy

Baker Group Recommends New Reality Show For Iraq Solution

Hybrid of “Lost Meets Extreme Makeover”; Winner Gets To Replace Maliki And Run Country

Stunningly, saying that the group “endeavored mightily to stay within our current historical period”, the final report of the Iraq Study Group delivered to President Bush today includes a chapter, which notes offers the best chance for success, that calls for the White House to stage a reality television show that will produce the solution for the Iraq situation.

Sources close to the White House, and who shared a copy of the report with The Garlic, say that this chapter is classified, and will not be released in the public version of the report.

An earlier recommendation from the ISG pointed to having President Bush “re-do” his invasion of Iraq.

The proposal for a reality television show offers, according to the report, “the avenue to reach the broadest possible ideas for a resolution.”

The proposed reality show, which the ISG also offers titles, such as “Lost In Iraq”, “Extreme Diplomacy Makeover” and “Who Wants To Be An Iraqi Prime Minister” goes further, suggesting that the program be produced by an American television network, and al-Jazeera in the Middle East.

Along with the television broadcasts, the program would be covered by RealityBlogs.com and Reality TV Magazine, under exclusive agreements already reached with the Iraq Study Group.

With the two separate programs, the respective winners would meet in what the report calls “The Ultimate World Super Bowl”, that would be broadcast over two nights, and, the reports predicts, would “shatter, completely” all television rating records. Furthermore, the ISG report forecasts that “billions” in advertising revenue would be generated, and suggests splitting the profits between the television networks and a fund that would go towards reconstruction projects for Iraq

The winner of the reality television program would then replace Nuri al-Maliki as Prime Minister of Iraq, and serve in that post until the next Iraq election, or, until the following years’ reality television program, whichever comes first.

Best Chance For Legacy

In a section of this Reality Television Chapter, James Baker confronts a topic that had to be difficult for the President to read.

Baker, bluntly, confronts the “Bush Legacy” and suggests that “with military and political options for success looking ever more bleak” President Bush should consider this reality television program to “salvage some level of accomplishment.”

“While the meter twitches slowly to ‘Worst President’, legacy status can be achieved via this reality television program. The history books will say one thing, however, popular culture will recognize you as the greatest television producer of the most-watched program in history.”

The ISG report notes very few, “unprecedented” events could top “The Ultimate World Super Bowl”, citing things like the marriage of the Pope , the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series, or the first interviewer of Elvis Presley, upon his return.

Wide Open Field of Contestants

The ISG Report also suggests for the reality television program there be virtually no restrictions as to who can participate as a contestant.

The show would be open to anyone, including politicians, both currently in office as well as retired. So far, according to Baker, two have signaled they would like to audition for the program - former Secretary of State Alexander Haig and former Green Party Presidential nominee Ralph Nader.

Rumors, according to the sources who supplied the copy of the report to The Garlic, say the soon-to-leave Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has shown interest in being on the program, as has the recently voted out of office Senator, Rick Santorum.

As a subplot to the American broadcast, the report suggests having the contestants “engage in some level of tension, like a border dispute or immigration issue” with the participants of the Canadian reality program, “The Next Great Prime Minister Contest”.

Baker cautions President Bush not to overload the program with “office holders and policy wonks”, suggesting a “robust field of contestants,” with as many “Average Joe’s” as possible.

Again, being brutally open, Baker says that “the country, and world as seen what you and your administration as wrought. Contestants with no political or foreign policy experience will likely garner support from viewers and will be ratings-drivers.”

ISG To Serve As Judges

To “preserve continuity”, Lee Hamilton, the co-leader of the Iraq Study Group, indicates that the group will serve as judges of the program, adding in “celebrities” as dictated by current events around the time of the broadcasts.

Lee cites an example, saying if the reality show was being broadcast today, the group will likely add to the judging panel Michael Richards, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and “a real ratings-grabber, the Bush Twins.”

The report says the al-Jazeera will be free to compose their own judge’s panel and, there will be no restrictions. President Bush is encouraged to reach out to Afghanistan and Pakistan, and to increase efforts to locate Osama bin-Laden, suggesting that having the Al Qaeda leader, via remote, on the panel would “guarantee that weeks’ ratings top spot.”

Prisoners held at Guantanamo, as well as secret CIA Prisons, would be eligible to be on the reality series, either as contestants or judges, as much as their scheduled harsh interrogations allow.

Special Caveats Embedded In Reality TV Proposal

Baker notes that President Bush will automatically join the Judging Panel upon his leaving office, including if he is impeached, which would “really boost the ratings.”

It will be written into the contract with the both the American network and al-Jazeera, that the Carlyle Group and Halliburton have the option of “specially discounted” advertising rates.

Lastly, Baker, speaking directly to President Bush, cites how Dick Cheney became Vice President, and stipulates the ISG reserves the right to cancel the reality television show and name himself - Baker - as Prime Minister of Iraq.

Breaking News! Iraq Study Group Report Likely To Be Ignored

President Putting New Policy Suggestions In “Iraq Jar”; Rarely Pays Attention To It

First Lady “Always Harping” Aides Say; Rumsfeld Memo Completely “By Chance”, Luck Of The Draw

Against the backdrop of the hearings to confirm Robert Gates, and the drum roll for the release of the Iraq Study Group report, a bombshell disclosure emerged from the White House that has Washington buzzing.

Sources have told The Garlic not to expect much action after the Iraq Study Group issues their report tomorrow, as President Bush, for months, has been placing all new ideas for his course in Iraq in an old, large “olive jar”, and rarely opens it to review the policy suggestions.

It’s a Classic Jar

It’s known around the White House as the “Iraq Jar”, and sits on a small table, off to the side, in the Oval Office.

“It’s about half full,” said one White House aide. “All different sized scraps of paper. Every now-and-then, when he’s talking on the telephone, pacing around, he might twist the jar, center it on the table, but he rarely ever opens it.”

It’s the type of jar, said the aide, which you would find in a bulk, discount supermarket. It was brought into the White House from the President’s ranch down in Crawford, Texas.

“I’ve seen the jar and it’s a classic,” gushed Maxwell Throckmorton, Director of the Chore Jar Association. “We featured it a few years ago, in our magazine, “Chores and Love - It’s All In The Jar”. It was our cover shot and we got a tremendous boast in membership for a few months. People would be surprised how a well-maintained Chore Jar saves marriages.”

“I can’t imagine,” marveled the White House aide, how long it took to eat all those olives.”

First Lady, President Clash Over Iraq Jar

Another source says that the Iraq Jar has become a major point of contention between the President and First Lady.

“They’ve had some terrific rows,” said the source, with intimate knowledge of the White House.

“The First Lady has, on numerous occasions, stormed into the Oval Office and they’ve gone at it about the Iraq Jar. Forget about the policy issues, she’s really pissed he brought it up from Texas ... Throws of the décor in the room.”

Mrs. Bush has, according to the source, repeatedly requested the President to take a Saturday off, and go through the Iraq jar and clean it out

Multiple sources have told The Garlic that the President rarely dips into the Iraq Jar.

As new ideas and suggestions come in, or if items are clipped from the newspaper, they just get dumped into the Iraq Jar with barely a glance.

Leaked Rumsfeld Memo Pulled From Jar

It was only due to an argument, aboard Air Force One, between the President and First Lady that led to the leak of the memo for outgoing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

Allegedly, just two-days before he was forced to resign, Rumsfeld penned a length memo, covering nearly every possible condition for changes in Iraq.

“Rumsfeld has just about everything in that memo,” said David Aaronson, editor of 'What Color Is My Coat Today?, the Capital Hill Newsletter that tracks politicians who turn on their own party. ‘I think he even predicts who the Super Bowl winner is this year. It’s a classic Washington cover-your-ass move.

Returning to the White House, the President and First Lady marched into the Oval Office, opened up the Iraq Jar and the President pulled out a piece of paper, which turned out to be the Rumsfeld memo

President Flip-Flopping on his Iraq policy

For much of the past three-years, it has been “Stay The Course”, until recently, when the Bush White shifted over to “Hello, I Must Be Going”, denying they were ever advocating “Stay The Course”.

Then, last week, in Jordan, President Bush, after meeting with, and endorsing as the “right guy for Iraq” despite a leaked State Department memo question his competency, Iraq Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki, and promised to “complete the mission” and that “I know there's a lot of speculation that these reports in Washington mean there's going to be some kind of graceful exit out of Iraq," he said. "This business about a graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all."

NSA Aide Stephen Hadley defended President Bush on a round of television appearances over the weekend, denying that the President was staying with, or abandoning “Stay The Course”.

“We have not failed in Iraq,” offered Hadley. "We will fail in Iraq if we pull out our troops before we're in a position to help the Iraqis succeed."

“We certainly hope that the President doesn’t pull out of Iraq and that he ignores the report,” says Holly Martins, Publisher of Axis of Evil Illustrated, a quarterly publication, that is rumored to be a house magazine for the Project for The New American Century.

‘We not only want to see him stay the course in Iraq, but also start to do something in Iran ... Which I believe the Vice President is handling those plans ... With the State of the Union speech not too far off, we want to see some action taken on the Axis members, it’s long overdue.”

It’s not clear if the President will immediately drop the Iraq Study Group report into the Iraq Jar. Some close to the West Wing say that Vice President Dick Cheney’s office will take the document and vet it, making sure there is nothing in it that goes towards diluting or eliminating the Executive Powers of President Bush, or Cheney’s ability to control policy.

“I think it’s a safe bet, said Aaronson, “that unless this report gives him instant legacy, the President will throw it in the Iraq Jar. He’s not going to change his stripes at this late date.”

Multiple sources have told The Garlic that the President rarely dips into the Iraq Jar.

Retro Bolton II ... Our Man At The U.N. Slinks Off Into The Sunset

Geez, the new 110^th Congress is sure seeing its’ playthings getting pulled off the shelf in a hurry.

First, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld gets thrown under the bus, now we have United States Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton jumping off the cliff.

So much for those heated, contentious, fireworks-producing open hearings to warm our winter. Memorable sound bites never to be. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow will have to find new issues that cause him to pound his head on the podium.

Here’s a retro look at our intrepid diplomat - Garlic Special - It’s A Bolton Kind Of Thursday!

Top Ten Cloves: Other Ways NBC Thought About Announcing They Were Calling Iraq A Civil War

News Item: This Just In: Matt Lauer Says Iraq in Midst of Civil War

10. Thought about putting it in one of the “Deal Or No Deal” briefcases, but couldn’t predict when that one would be picked

9. With Jack Welch finally gone, they could take a few chances without being yelled at

8. Was going to have Brian Williams apologize for the delay in calling it a Civil War

7. One Hour Special of Tim Russert holding up his little white board with the words “Civil War” written on it

6. Patricia Arquette came to them with a premonition

5. New Thursday night “Must-Account-For-Civil-War-TV!

4. Hardball’s Chris Matthews was nearly foaming at the mouth against calling it a Civil War, so we knew we had to go the other way

3. Three-episode storyline in new show “Friday Night Lights”

2. CNBC’s Jim Kramer had been ranting for weeks “Booyah! Civil War” and news division thought there might be something to it

1. Was waiting for Katie Couric to leave before making the announcement

New Thursday night “Must-Account-For-Civil-War-TV!

Weekend Special - Sautéed Cloves 3 December 2006

The 4th Annual Beirut Marathon started and finished at the same moment, as the shot from the starter's pistol to begin the race was met with a barrage of gunfire, mortar attacks and car bombs, killing 14, injuring 37 and at least a dozen confirmed kidnappings.

Organizers of the event said they will try it again next year

Russian President Vladimir Putin claims he has an alibi and couldn’t have poisoned Alexander Litvinenko, telling officials that he was having dinner with former NFL star O.J. Simpson and actor Robert Blake

In a related story, the Fox Network and Judith Regan are said to be in discussions with Putin, to have the Russian President appear in a television special, and pen a book, tentatively titled “I Didn’t Kill Anybody ... But If I Did, Here’s How I Would Poison My Critics”

After apologizing last week, for the error of this years’ hurricane season forecast, saying “...We have a confession. We got something wrong," admitting that the stream of "dire predictions" reported earlier in the season "wasn't even close...", NBC Anchor Brian Williams said he was sorry and feels “just awful” about the early-season snowstorm that slammed the Midwest and Northeast on Friday

The Congressman-elect from Minnesota, Keith Ellison, a Muslim, has drawn the ire of the Conservative Right by indicating he will use the Quran during his ceremonial swearing-in

In an effort to see that the situation doesn’t mushroom into a bigger controversy, Ellison has proposed substituting the Quran with Noam Chomsky’s 'Hegemony or Survival: The Imperialist Strategy of the United States’

The State Department admitted today that they were close, very close to conscripting Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and sending them to Buenos Aires, Argentina, to aid and chaperone the Bush Twins, before asking the President’s daughters to leave the country

Okay ... After I meet with Maliki, I come out and say what - “Heck of a job he’s doing” or “He’s the right guy for Iraq”?... And that there are no graceful exits and we’re staying there ... And I should keep on blaming Al Qaeda for all the violence ... What about, do I throw in any mushroom clouds, or blame it all on Rumsfeld...